My Girls….

I often talk about my kids here in the crazy world of Facebook and more often than not, I'm complaining about how they are driving me insane.  Yes it is true that they don't always get along and there's a lot of fighting and crying and High Drama in the Thompson household on a daily basis and that I often dream of running away with Benedict Cumberbatch or Tom Hiddleston to an undisclosed location far, far away.  But I realized that I don't very often sing the praises of my amazing girls and that isn't because I cannot sing but it's because I've become so wrapped up in the shit they do that pisses me off that I forget the great things they do.  And I want to share the great things about them with everyone.  We stressed out moms who live on 4-5 hours of sleep a night and gallons of coffee a day are often overwhelmed by having more than one child and need to stick together.  I'm not justifying my stress but it doesn't help me any when I have a husband who is hardly ever home.  I think I've seen him a total of 2 days in the last 2 weeks.  So I get to deal with the daily joy of Tween/Teen Girl Drama.  

My oldest is Taylor, she just turned 14.  She is a sweet girl, sometimes quiet and awkward but with the right people she really opens up and you see who she is…funny, creative, smart.  She is a loyal friend, thoughtful, kind, helpful. Taylor is the only kid that looks like me.  She has my hazel eyes, my olive skin and my height.  She draws and her "anime-style" art is quite fabulous. She will happily draw a Tardis for me if I ask and we share the same sense of humor. She plays the clarinet and is really good and I am thrilled that she wants to continue into high school and be in the marching band.  She has learned not to get caught up in the Girl Drama at school and has a great group of friends who are all headed in the right direction to being amazing young women.  Taylor loves to boss her sisters around and totally acts as if she hates them and they are the scourge of the Earth.  When Emma recently made a visit to the cardiologist for a heart check-up, Taylor asked if Emma would be okay and I could hear the crack in her voice and the concern.  When Emma smashed her finger in the car door and there was blood everywhere and her mom almost passed out, Taylor went into action and held her freaked-out sister and reassured her that she would be just fine.  She acts like she hates her family but that's all it is…just an act.  She is a very loving young woman and it makes me so sad to see her growing up so fast, knowing that her time with me at home grows shorter each day.  She will always be my baby.

Emma is the middle child, she is 10 1/2.  She is extremely energetic and scatterbrained. The official diagnosis would be ADHD, with mild emphasis on the H lol.  She has always been a "I do what I want" kind of child.  Fearless and inquisitive. Headstrong and stubborn.   She has always been self-conscious of the fact that she learns differently than others in her grade.  Always worried that classmates would tease her because she worked  with a separate teacher who helped her to focus and channel her energy in positive ways.  Now in 5th grade, Emma is coming into her own.  She isn't as concerned about what others think.  She has a small group of the sweetest friends.  Two of them are mellow-going and level-headed and the other is a pistol like herself.  They are a fierce group who stick up for each other and really love each other.  It does my heart a world of good to listen Emma talk about her friends and the things they do.  Emma has a very sensitive heart and when someone is hurting or sad, she will often do things to make that person feel better.  She will pack up a friends backpack after school, she will draw a beautiful picture, she will do something for me so that I can have a few minutes of quiet to myself.  It's easy to get frustrated with her when she gets into one of her headstrong moods but it's hard not to love her when you realize she is standing her ground and fighting for what she wants.  She also plays a mean Hot Cross Buns on trumpet and her band teacher has said she has "great potential."  Emma is definitely a mix of my features and my husbands.  She has beautiful blue-grey eyes and skin that tans in the summer.  I don't normally pick one child over the other but she is a gorgeous young girl and I'm so happy my husband has a shotgun lol.

And last but certainly not least is my youngest, Zoë.  She will be 9 in just a couple of months.  Zoë is my surprise child, my "oops!" baby.  I swear to you I thought I had an ulcer and refused to see a doctor until I got so sick I had no choice.  By the time I got around to seeing my OB, I was already 14 weeks along. I was in complete denial throughout my entire pregnancy and was hesitant to look at her when the nurse lifted her up to me but once I held her in my arms I knew she was the best surprise ever.   Zoë has always been a happy child, always laughing.  She's very much a "go with the flow" kind of kid, happy to do what others are doing.  She likes to read and is definitely taking after me in the fact that she loves dragons, loves science, will talk to me about Doctor Who seriously and won't give me shit about the fact that yes, I am watching Star Trek or The Hobbit for the 400th time.  Zoë is an animal lover and has said she might like to be a veterinarian when she grows up.  She is a snuggle-bunny and a hand-holder who just wants to be cozy with me or her dad.  She's a hard worker at school once pointed in the right direction.  She writes awesome stories about dragons and can draw beautiful ones too.  Zoë also loves dinosaurs.  Like her sisters, she also has a very sensitive heart and will burst into tears if she thinks you are criticizing her about anything.  This girl will catch frogs with her bare hands and carry them around until the frog makes its escape.  She loves fishing and doesn't have issues with removing the hook from the mouth of the fish she has just caught (as long as it's a barbless hook).  She loves playing with the boys in her class because she says they are more interesting and like to do stuff whereas the girls mostly stand around and talk during recess and she isn't interested in that.  Miss Zoë looks nothing like me.  She is all Irish-Scottish with her porcelain skin and gorgeous blue eyes.  You would never know that she has any Asian blood in her lol.

I absolutely love my girls.  I feel horrible that I actually need to be reminded about how amazing they are.

Ahhhh, almost 2 years has gone by….

since I last wrote in this blog.  The only reason it even crossed my mind is because my friend, Christina, sent me a message via Google+ saying we should start using it again and it triggered a memory that hey, I have a blog floating around out on the Inter-Web.  Dammit…!!

What has happened in the last 2 years…..

Sold the house, moved out.  Moved into an apartment for a year.  Moved out of the apartment and into a townhouse.  Still in townhouse.  In the process of building a house in Dexter, but not where we originally planned.  This is in a neighborhood across of Jenny's Farm Market.  It's a modest neighborhood full of families and normal people.  This is where we should have been from the very start but I won't go into that because it's just not relevant anymore.

Lots has happened, really.  I just can't be bothered to recall all of it and write it here.  I wrote a great "note" on Facebook the other day about my girls that I think I will copy & paste here.  I still don't know why I continue with this blog since I don't believe it's public and I've not shared it with anyone.

Funny, I just read through all of the previous posts and I can see some of my witty banter from my younger years shining through.  I think if I were given a daily topic to write about I could be spurred to action… Coming up with things to write about has been daunting.  It would be nice to try again.  I just wish my brain would cooperate with me.  Ha…there was a week a month or two ago when the strangest thing happened.  I woke up one morning and my brain would not stopping thinking.  Seriously.  I could not get a moments peace from random thoughts streaking across my brain.  It was constant.  It was 24/7 for days and days.  My brain thought it would be loads of fun to recall things that happened to me in high school and problems with my boyfriend.  It dwelled on his infidelities and self-esteem issues I developed from his harping on me about my weight and how he would break up with me if I got fat.  It's no wonder I'm fat now!!!   Then once it was done with the high school years it moved to college and while it didn't focus on any problems it brought things to light that I wish it hadn't.  This went on for almost a week.  My head was throbbing.  It was all I could do to get to sleep at night.  As soon as my head hit the pillow, my brain would say to me, "Pssst….remember that time that….." and I would be awake for hours.   I think I started reading again as a way to escape my brain. I have been reading for an hour or two each night since.  Much better than incessant brain chatter.

My good friend is going to divorce her husband.  This will be the second of my good friends to go through a divorce in a couple of years.  There have only been a handful of times that I've thought maybe divorce would be my best option.  Thinking back to when I chose to marry Phil, I told myself that divorce wouldn't be an option.  My parents divorced when I was 10 and it totally sucked ass.  I never wanted to put my kids through that.  We have had some rough times and bumps in our marriage but we've been able to weather them and come out better for it.  Right now we aren't going through a rough time between each other.  Our lives are still pretty stressed out and things aren't where we would like them to be but we are moving forward and there is definitely a light at the end that we can both see and almost reach.  Unfortunately when he gets stressed he doesn't pay much attention to me emotionally or physically.  He ends up dumping all the stress and issues on me because really, I am the only one he has to talk to about these things.  Men don't tend to have the close friendships that women have, they don't have a confidante to tell their secrets to like we do.  I would go CRAZY without my girlfriends.  There are only a few that I trust enough to let know what's really been happening with me. Everyone else sees the "brave face" that I wear everyday.  Sure they see stress and my gray hairs but they don't KNOW what's going on and I have made those select few friends swear to keep their mouths shut ;-)

Oh and I'm madly in love with Benedict Cumberbatch.  I've said that I'm done having babies but I would have his in a heartbeat.  I won't go into the reasons why I love him.  Just know that I do.

Okay, that's enough mindless rambling for one night.  I need to start some laundry and get to sleep.

Blogging is hard work!!

I don't know how people do this on a daily, regular basis. I can't even remember why I came into a room by the time I get there. I only now published that last entry, which I think was from last week and was sitting in the draft folder all this time. I didn't even finish it.

I've had lot on my mind since that trip. One thing's certain, Phil and I are definitely drifting apart again. At least that's how I'm seeing it. He never sees things in our relationship the way they are. I wonder if he wonders why I don't want to be around him as much anymore, why I'm more quiet around him. I just don't feel like sharing anything with him anymore. I'm emotionally tapped out. There's a line in a Beatles song "And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." You get back what you give. And I've given and given of myself to him yet it's like pulling teeth to get any reaction from him. If he would have a tiny bit of the passion he has for cars and other things and focus that tiny bit of passion on our marriage, I think it would work out. At this point I'm so heartbroken. I feel like I want to leave, but I can't leave the kids, can't leave my life. I'm too invested in my life here. If we didn't have kids I honestly think I would have left a long time ago. I don't even know if I would have married him. Of course I'm upset and angry and bitter so I'm saying these things without really thinking and being calm.

And now I'm going to save this to drafts like I did the other post and forget about it for a week or so. I suck.

Man I suck at this blog thing...

I don't know how some people do it.  They're able to get on every single day and write oodles about their day and all the exciting things they accomplished.  Here I am just trying to figure out if I have enough clean socks for the kids to wear to school that morning.

So a lot has happened since I last wrote in January.  We were able to pull it together in the end and get the house listed and accepted an offer in the first few days.  We are closing on the 23rd of May and moving in an apartment on the 19th.  More packing and more moving.  But I'm actually looking forward to getting in to the apartment and having less stuff.  It's going to be a rough 10 months but we'll be saving money and right now I'm all about compromise.

Ugh this always happens to me...I get started writing then I get distracted and when I come back I just don't want to write anymore....

So I guess you'll just have to wait until I get my shit together.  You might be waiting a long time LOL

Kinda late but Happy New Year!!

I'm still not used to writing something everyday. I actually forget that I started this blog/journal. With it being a new year and all, I guess the thing to do is say that I'll promise to be better at writing, blah blah blah.

Not gonna happen.

Not now anyway.

As it is, I probably won't have much time to think about writing, much less actually do it.

We are in the process of repairs, massive decluttering and packing up the house in order to get it on the market to sell. We have just a few weeks to go before we have it listed and I'm beginning to think we won't get everything done. It's overwhelming. Monumental. We have SO much crap. My plan is to take it room by room. My friend Gwen is coming over on Saturday for a few hours to help me go through stuff and get Emma and Zoe's rooms taken care of. Hope we can do them both.

I finally went to a GI specialist and was told I'm not dying. It's the stress of the last 2+ years that is tearing my insides apart and making me feel like this. It was a relief to know that it wasn't anything serious and that I can make things better by making some changes in my life. Easier said than done...but I have to give it a go at some point.

Anyway...no promises but I'll try to write more often. And learn how to post pictures.

Life and other things

So the weekend up North was fun. I laid down the Ground Rules shortly after we left the house: no talking about work, the house, the lawsuit, etc. and he was actually really good about following them. The drive up was long and we got pulled over for speeding but the officer was super nice and let us go with just a warning.

Fall colors were at their peak and the Traverse City area was absolutely beautiful. We came up over a hill to see Torch Lake with the colorful trees and blue lake and afternoon sun shining on it all and it was breathtaking.

A friend graciously let us stay at her condo in Glen Arbor and we arrived around 7pm and then went out for dinner. Our friends who were meeting us there didn't arrive until close to midnight and I just couldn't stay up so I went to bed around 11. The next morning we had breakfast and then headed out to the Leelanau Peninsula and then to the Old Mission Peninsula to visit the wineries. We even stopped at the Grand Traverse Distillery and got a tour and sampled some vodka. The wineries were a lot of fun and we enjoyed some wonderful wines along the way. That night we had dinner in Traverse City, after a 2 hour wait for a table at most restaurants. It was super busy but the main street had lots of fabulous shops to browse through. Sunday morning we packed up and headed back into Traverse City for breakfast and a little shopping before heading home. We got home right around 5pm and the kids were thrilled to see us.

A much needed weekend away...

Phil and I are leaving tomorrow after lunch to go up North. A friend has a house in Glen Arbor at the Homestead and she is letting us stay there for the weekend! This will be our first weekend away without children in over 10 years. Yes. Ten years. I can hardly believe it either. It's been difficult for us without family up here to help and we've finally found a sitter that everyone likes and we trust.

We will be doing a weekend of wine tasting and winery touring. I cannot wait!! I have ground rules for the weekend though, and I will make them known at the beginning of the long drive up there. There is to be NO talk of work, the lawsuit, the gas station, the house, my health, or anything else that has caused us stress over the last 2 years. We are lucky that our marriage has been strong enough to weather the storms but the stress has definitely taken its toll and we both know that we've drifted apart a little. I'm ready to focus on just us. I hope he is too but I know I'm going to be let down because I have certain emotional expectations and I know from experience that he's not going to be able to live up to them. They're not even high expectations! He just needs to relax and not be so uptight around me.

I'll let you know how it goes. We are going up with another couple so he won't be so pressured the entire weekend LOL.

In other news, progress reports came home yesterday and Emma's teacher wants to set up a meeting with us to discuss her adjustment to third grade. I'm worried she's going to say that Emma needs to repeat 2nd grade, even though in my heart I know that's probably the best thing for her. She had a crappy 1st grade year and didn't learn what she needed to go forward. I talked to her about it last night and she was a wreck. I had to keep telling her it isn't because she's NOT smart, because I think she is. I said it's because she's just not ready yet for how fast third grade is. She even agreed that the work is really hard for her. I really should have had her repeat 1st grade, I don't know why I didn't think of it then or why no one suggested it. She would be doing great now if we had done that. This is just one more way I'm messing her up. We're going to meet with the teacher on Tuesday and see what she has to say and I will, of course, keep you posted on that too!!

Gotta round up the kids, fold some laundry, make some dinner, do some dishes, clean up a bit and pack my overnight bag!! Yippeeeeeeeeeee!!

Can't take much more of this

I am going to say it and apologize now for saying but I fucking hate my kids. What the fuck did I do to deserve such ungrateful, selfish, horrible children? These kids have NO respect for their own property or anyone else's. We spend money that we don't exactly have to buy them new shoes for school and then one of them wears them into MUD and now they are ruined. Brand fucking new shoes. I bought them new lunch bento things today. They've had them for maybe 2 hours. One of them - and no one will say who - used a Sharpie and drew all over hers. I am fucking pissed. They are destroying this house and all of the things in it. I'm sick of finding ruined clothes, ruined toys, ruined whatever. FUCKING SICK OF IT. My husband works his ass off to make the crappy salary he has and happily buys them nice things. Then they just turn around and ruin it all.

I don't want to be their mother anymore. I can't take any more of their fighting and whining and selfishness and laziness. I have never seen such lazy selfish children in my life. I'm over it. I just want to walk away now. I honestly cannot take any more of them. I seriously want to kick the crap out of something. I have so much anger inside of me right now. My heart is going to give out, I just know it.

What do I do? I'm fucking them up. When I lose it like I just did and scream at them that I just want to leave and that they are lazy and selfish, I know it's messing them up. Deep down inside I do not hate them. I hate myself. But they make me so damn angry with their selfishness and laziness. I have done everything to teach them the opposite. What did I do wrong? They are going to grow up to be angry adults, grow up to hate me. I can't go back in time to make this all right. I don't even think I can make it better now. Taylor has no confidence and is so sensitive. Emma has her own set of problems. Zoe used to be such a sweet girl but is now lying about things, hitting her sister, breaking and destroying things.

I know we should see a family therapist but then they'll think there's something wrong with them. They associate a therapist with Emma and her problems. I've asked Taylor if she would like to see someone but she said no.

All I know is that I need to get help soon or I'm going to snap and go crazy.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I guess that's something I've asked myself a lot over the last few years because I do consider Phil and myself to be good people. I mean we're not murderers or tax evaders, we give to charity when we can, teach our children right from wrong, help out whenever someone needs something, etc... I just never understood how shit happens to good people who don't set out to screw other people. Like the guy who built our house. He is not a good person and is definitely screwing us.

I just found out yesterday that one of the few moms at St. Francis who has been nice to me the last couple of years has breast cancer. She has a son that's Emma's age and a daughter Taylor's age. She's only maybe 5 years older than I am. She's always been friendly to me and is a genuinely good person. I then found out that the father of another of Taylor's classmates has lung & brain cancer. Seriously???

But then it makes me see my stress in a new light. It puts it into perspective and makes me realize that yes we're in a financial shithole but I'm still (relatively) healthy. I don't know what I would do if I got sick, or if Phil did. I just don't think I'm strong enough, emotionally or physically, to pull through a major illness. That said, if I did get sick I would definitely find it in me to fight and not give up.

I hate getting older and all the creaking and blurry vision and stiff joints. Not a good time. I don't deal well with death. I don't deal well thinking about my own mortality. It puts me into anxiety mode and keeps me awake for hours at night. We each believe our own beliefs about life and death and mine are personal so I won't be sharing them with you but I like to believe that there is something more after death, something on a different level. Maybe spiritual, maybe not. I never grew up with religion as a child. It was more science. My dad would get pissed at me if I said "Oh my God" in reaction to something. I grew up studying the universe, the planets, the stars, astronomy. If I had been any good at math, I probably would have gone into that field, I loved it that much. It's like the movie "Contact." I want to believe that there is more out there. It's almost like I *need* to believe that, in order for the anxiety to subside. Getting old SUCKS.

Yesterday was Emma's 8th birthday. Which then gets me reminiscing about when each of my 3 kids was born. Which then reminds me that my oldest is 11 and going into middle school. Which then makes me feel really old. Dammit!

We had a small group of friends celebrate with her, had it at the pool. It was SO much easier than Zoe's bowling party. I was much more relaxed yesterday. The kids played in the pool while I chatted with friends. We ate, had cake, opened presents, swam some more then went home. So nice!!

And now we are in our final days before school starts. This week will be a mad dash for me to finish school supply shopping and uniform shopping and making sure everyone has a lunch box and water bottle and backpack and socks and this and that and everything else. O.M.G.... Crazy time!!! I'm not looking forward to the 5am wake up call every morning but I am looking forward to the 7 hours of NO KIDS !!!!!!!!

Hopefully once everyone is settled into a good routine I can actually shift some of the focus to myself. Knowing that a friend who is close to my age has breast cancer, I need to get my booty into the doctor for my check-up. I also need to find myself a therapist. I need to find a way to get control over my anger and anxiety. Once I've started that maybe I'll be able to tackle the other massive hurdle...the weight gain.

It pains me to see my husband look at other women even though I know it's a guy thing, they all do it, blah blah blah... It just brings home the fact that he doesn't look at me that way. Or if he ever does, I'm either not seeing it or not home lol. I want so badly to lose this weight, for myself, for my health, for my kids. I just can't seem to get that fire lit under my ass enough for me to be motivated and WANT to make that change. Does that make sense? I do want to lose the weight but something in my crazy head is holding me back. It hasn't clicked with me yet. It's almost like I would need the doctor to tell me if I don't lose the weight I'm going to keel over. But at the same time, would THAT be enough to get me going? So I think talking it over with a therapist, someone who has no clue what a basket case I really am, will help me figure out what's stopping me.

Ok, I just heard one of the kids upstairs gasp in surprise/shock and I know that's never a good sound LOL so I think I should head up to see what's going on.

So heartbroken

I've been on my little vacation in Texas for a few days now and I'm gearing up to go home tomorrow afternoon. This evening Taylor called me, sobbing, and told me she had something terrible to tell me and I immediately thought one of the dogs had gotten hurt or died but she told me that our beloved Bearded Dragon, Oscar, had died and she didn't know how or why and that she was going to miss him so much, she didn't want another lizard because he was the best lizard in the whole world and that she loved him so much. It hurt me so much to hear how devastated she was that I burst out crying too. I'm crying right now as I write this because I loved him too. Funny how attached we became to a lizard but he was awesome and handsome and sweet. And now there is a hole in our family. Totally sucks that this happened while I was away but thankfully Dad was there, because he's good with this kind of thing. I know, though, that as soon as they all see me at the airport tomorrow they're all going to start crying. They'll all probably need to cuddle with me at home too and cry some more. If we get this heartbroken over a lizard, I hate to think of how we will be if anything happens to one of the dogs. Ugh. Phil said they will bury him in the yard by the big pine tree. Wish I could be there with them.

It's been good for me to be away from them. It's been nice not dealing with whining and fighting and yelling at them to clean their rooms. But I've missed them terribly. We've been video chatting, so I think that has been helpful for them to at least see me and talk to me. This is the longest I've been away from them and the longest Phil has had to take care of them. And I think he's done a great job. He's not a good Mom but he's an awesome Dad and I'll be forever grateful to him for letting me come down here.

It's not like I did any soul searching while I've been away but it's done my heart some good. I knew I would miss them but not the minute they drove away from me at the airport. I've talked about them incessantly too. I've bought things for them (well, not Emma because I totally forgot but I'll grab a stuffed animal at the airport!) and texted them everyday. I'm so fortunate to have such spirited and wonderful children, as difficult as they can be sometimes.

I don't have anything witty or funny to say today. My heart is heavy with the loss of Oscar.

(Although I am thinking of stealing the huge framed picture of a goat that is hanging on the wall in my room at Sarah's house.)

Teaching kids the value of things

I hate to say this but my kids are big time wasters. I'm constantly on their cases to turn off lights, don't stand there with the fridge door open, turn off the water, don't take more than you'll eat, etc. My two younger ones are also big time destroyers. And not just little things like crayons, toys or books but big things like OUR HOUSE. I shit you not. These two little heathens are drawing on the walls in their bedrooms, cutting up curtains and duvets, getting glitter glue on furniture and the carpet and marking up whatever they can find with a Sharpie. I could "justify" it if they were 2 years old but they're 6 and soon to be 8 years old!! WTF??? None of my three kids can keep their rooms clean. It's going to be an issue for as long as they're living with us. They are lazy and sloppy and I hate to admit it but they get a lot of it from me as I hate to clean. But I am always always always on them to clean their rooms. The problem is they have too much crap and I know I need to get rid of most of it. I hate to part with material things. I can't explain it but it pains me to throw stuff out. Anyway, they were given close to 3 hours to make magic in their rooms before I went up to check on them. There was even a reward (charm for their bracelets) but at the end of 3 hours only Taylor had transformed her room from a sty to relatively decent. As I opened the door to Zoe's room I saw something pink, glittery and gooey on a little table by the door. I saw that this pink goo had dripped onto the carpet below. I lost it. I made her get out of bed, go downstairs and grab some baby wipes and clean it all up. (yes, I still have baby wipes even though I technically don't have any babies in the house) As she was cleaning it up Emma came to watch and I went off about them not having a clue about how lucky they are. I told them there are lots and lots of children who do not have a home, don't have a bed, don't have enough to eat. I said there are children who have to sleep in a shack, on a floor, in their car while we have warm beds to sleep in. I told them they are so incredibly lucky to have their house, their own bedrooms, food to eat everyday. I hurts me to see that they are so selfish and unthinking, almost uncaring. They have had no clue about how much we've struggled the last 2 years. How just 2 months ago I was going through the entire house scrounging up change and soda cans to take to the grocery store to get food for them. Yeah you read that right. And yes, I drive a Mercedes. I will not go into detail about those personal issues but those of you who know me know about my house, my car, etc... Think what you want, judge me, whatever. You don't know the full story, the facts, the truths and you will only choose to believe what you see and think you know to be the truth. But the last two years have been a living hell for us. I've done well to hide a lot of our struggles, put on a brave happy face most days. The stress has taken its toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. My oldest has seen me crying over this many many times, not something I've wanted her to see. The two younger ones have had no clue. They've continued to destroy their home, waste their food and cause me more stress.

I don't know how to get them to understand what it is they're doing. They seem to think that everything is theirs to destroy. They have no qualms about taking a pair of scissors to a blanket. Or to the cord of an expensive pair of Sony headphones. Or their own clothes. Everything is a toy to them. They don't appreciate the things they do have.

ok I stepped away from writing for a few minutes and my train of thought has completely left the station and I can't get back to where I was and I've lost all steam so I think I'll end here and come back when I feel the need to vent and rant again lol

Friday can't get here fast enough

I'm headed to Texas on Friday y'all. Going down to spend a whirlwind weekend with friends and family. Phil's sister is going to pick me up the Houston airport then we're going straight to The Galleria, a hoity-toity type mall that makes our Somerset look like crappy Briarwood. Phil commented the other day that I don't have very many summery clothes and that's because I can't fit into any of my cute clothes anymore. Good times. Not really. It just adds to the depression. It's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed that I'm fat and being fat makes me depressed.

Anyway, Friday and Saturday night we're staying at the swank Houstonian. Ooh la la!! Then Saturday she said we're spending the entire day in the SPA!!!!! I can't wait. I think I might want a facial and a pedicure. I could use a massage but the oils they use make my skin freak out. I dunno, we'll see what they can do.

Sunday she's driving me halfway to Denton. My good friend Sarah will meet us there and then I'll go to Denton with her. Our plan is just as awesome...Thai food, drinks, shopping. I miss her so much. I was really lost for a while when she moved away. It's hard for me to find really good friends. But I'm okay now. We've been able to see each other several times since she's moved. Her oldest daughter and my Emma were born on the same day, same year.

Tuesday morning I am driving out to Plano to visit a friend I haven't seen in at least 15 years, we went to high school together and I've always liked her. I love Facebook for the sole reason that I have reconnected with so many of my friends from high school and college. I've even become better friends with someone I wasn't really friends with, if that makes sense. She was a few years ahead of me in high school, she was this mysterious cool upperclassman that everyone loved. She was nice to everyone, happy all the time. She hung out with a crowd that partied a lot, smoked pot. I don't know who friended who but she and I have become pretty good friends, she has given me wonderful advice about raising my daughters, support and prayers when I've needed them. Funny how life works out huh?

Anyway, I'm flying home Tuesday afternoon, provided I can get on the flight. This is my first attempt at non-revving by myself. I originally was going to fly into Houston and then drive myself to Denton but Phil was really worried that I would get lost and no one would hear from me again...that Dallas interchange is a nightmare. SO then I was going to fly from Houston to Dallas and rent a car there and drive up. Phil's sister said she'd drive me up instead lol. I'll rent a car up in Denton and make my way to the airport on my own.

Oh and yes, I'm going ALONE. That's right. No husband, no children. I am desperate to get away from the kids. Once school starts it won't be *as* bad but this summer has been horrific with them. I can't take any more of the fighting, crying, whining, not listening, the huge messes they make and don't clean up, etc...it goes on and on. All three of them are on my very last nerve.

I was talking to a friend the other day about women who have killed all their children and we both agreed while we would never ever ever do anything remotely close to that, we fully understand how those women could have done it. Those women suffered from depression that was never diagnosed or treated and they spiraled into the darkest depths where I think they completely disconnected from reality and honestly had no clue what they were doing because at that point they stopped being who they really were and darkness took over.

These children push my buttons every single day. I yell at them. This morning they made me so angry that I yelled at them and made them cry. Yes I felt bad about it afterwards but dammit, I just cannot take anymore. Thank God there's only 3 more weeks until school. Yes it means waking up at 5 every morning again but at least they will not be with me from 745am to 3pm. I'll have to deal with them for 5 hours after school but it won't be near as bad as now.

Wow I'm a rambler. And I don't flow well when I'm writing. Totally choppy. But that's how my thoughts are these days.

And on that note I think I'll head up to bed. I think tomorrow (if I remember!) I will try to figure out how to add pictures in my posts and I'll add some from our quick trip to Ludington.

Good night :-)

Testing out the whole mobile blogging deal.

Almost forgot!!!

Last night Phil and I went to see Night Ranger, Foreigner and Journey in concert!!! Well, we missed Night Ranger because we were late getting in but I did get to hear them sing "Sister Christian" and was happy about that. I told Phil that I had no clue what songs Foreigner sang and when they were done with their hour long set, I turned to him and said "I feel really stupid because I knew every song they sang!" and it was an awesome performance. Journey was pretty good considering it wasn't Steve Perry.

Sadly I only have crappy iPhone photos that I took, so I won't be posting those lol

My kids must think I am the most evil Mom around

So I'm sitting here at the computer, just ate dinner and I'm feeling relaxed and sleepy. The girls come and ask if they can ride their bikes down to the "loopy-loop" (cul-de-sac) and back and I say not right now. Taylor suggests maybe I can go with them and I tell her no, I just ate and I'm really tired. Maybe I'll go out with them in a little bit. Not even 5 minutes goes by and Emma comes in to announce that both Taylor and Zoe have gone done to the loopy-loop with their friend from down the street. I became very angry and went out to walk the dogs like I had planned to do and called Taylor and Zoe to me. I told them that I specifically said NOT to ride down there without me and said they could put their bikes away and go in the house for blatantly disobeying me. Taylor starts to argue with me, saying that she thought I meant that I wasn't going to ride my bike with them then I told her exactly what I had said in the house and she just acts like she's so stupid. Then Zoe starts bawling, blaming it on Taylor. I yelled at them both to just get in the house. Taylor knew damn well what I meant and chose not to listen to me and then has the audacity to be upset with me.

These kids don't have any respect for me or each other. I just don't get it. I can't really explain in words what I mean and how I feel about this, which is weird because I would so much rather not have to talk about it lol.

Their friend probably thinks I'm super mean but she can shove it because she has such an attitude for a 7 year old. I love her parents and they are fabulous parents and I wish I was as calm and patient as her mother. But I'm not. Somewhere along this parental journey I lost all calm and patience. At some point reason left me and I checked out.

Did I tell you that I am headed to Texas in 3 weeks for a few days of R & R WITHOUT my kids?? I will miss my husband dearly but not my kids. They are the reason I am going. I am at my wit's end. The other night my chest hurt so badly I seriously thought about going up to the ER. But I felt guilty about even thinking of doing that because then who would take care of the kids, etc... Now I understand why so many women neglect their health. We're either so incredibly busy that we couldn't possibly get away to get examined or we're so in denial of the possibility that something could be wrong. And either way I think to some extreme we're all hoping a little that something IS wrong so maybe we get to spend a day or two in the hospital away from everyone. It's been so long since someone took care of me. Hell, I don't even take care of myself. I'm so busy making sure everyone else is taken care of that I put ME off to the side in the hopes of being able to get around to myself at a later date. When will that ever be?

I keep hoping for something to light the fire under me. What needs to happen to make me see where I'm headed? I don't even think ending up in the hospital would motivate me enough. Am I so far gone that I am just giving up? I don't think so, not yet at least. Every now and then I feel a little something way down in my heart that struggles to get me to try. I know that once I got going it would be easy and become habit but it's the just getting started that is the hardest for me. I don't WANT to be angry and depressed all the time. I don't WANT to hate myself. Yes I love my husband and kids and owe it to them to be the best wife and mom I can be. Trouble is that I don't love myself. I want so much more for myself but I just can't get that fire lit. Every now and then there are sparks but they die out. I want my kids to love me and not think I'm evil. I want my husband to look at me and think I'm beautiful and be happy he married me. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see, be happy with how I look and know that I'm a happy person.

It's so hard and makes me feel so horrible when Emma comes to me to say goodnight and I'm torn between feeling angry and wanting to just hold her and love her. Love always win, thankfully. She comes to me and is so sweet and loving, completely opposite of how she acts during the day. That short sweet moment reminds me of why I had kids and why I love them and being their mom. And that there probably is hope for me yet.

(side note: there is a frog on my window lol)

One week and counting until vacation!!!

I cannot wait. Even though we are just staying in Michigan and it will only be a few days, I am so excited to be leaving the house and going SOMEWHERE ELSE. We are headed West, to a town on Lake Michigan called Ludington. In the 9 years that we've lived here (crap! has it been that long???) I have never seen any of the Great Lakes, not even when flying over them. Everyone here tells me that I'll never know it's not the ocean. But I think they're just saying that to make me feel better about not being in Hawaii. Suck ups.

We bought one of those hard sided roof cargo carriers, the kind that looks like it's from Star Trek and probably how Spock was laid to rest somewhere deep in the universe. I suggested putting the kids in it for the drive up and I think Phil considered it for a split second.

We're going to stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which excites me to no end because now I can legitimately say "No, I'm not a brain surgeon but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Suh-weet!! We're driving up Saturday morning and coming home Tuesday afternoon. Short but I'm sure we'll have a blast. We plan on hanging out at the "beach" for a good part of the weekend. The kids have their buckets and shovels ready to go for sand castle making.

It will do us good as a family to be together exploring new places.

Life gets in the way of life

Does that make sense? I posted on FB last night that I don't know why life has to be so complicated. I don't make it anything other than what it is and yet it's so messed up. I don't go about my days trying to make my life complicated, as someone suggested. Seriously? Basically this person's response was that your life is only as complicated as you make it. Listen buddy, I am NOT making my life this way. It's just how it's playing out. Two plus years of incredible stress, seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel and thinking everything's actually going to be okay then having setbacks and barely being able to see the light is not something we set out to accomplish in our life's journey. I never sat down with my husband and said, "I've got a brilliant idea. Let's fuck everything up so badly that we suffer for two or three years. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Yeah, that's what we did.

I don't like to go into much detail about my personal life and struggles. Most people who "know" me only see what they want to see so they make judgements based on things they see. Yes I live in a large house, yes I drive a nice car, yes my husband has a sports car, yes yes yes. But those are things that you only see, you don't know the background, the facts, the truth.

(I will, however, share with you my emotional struggle dealing with my kids and depression. I'm not ashamed, there is no stigma attached to that for me. It's not something I've made up, not something that's just in my head.)

Anyway... Yes I have problems. But before you judge me and say that my life is complicated because I am making it so, I think you should take at look at yourself first. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We've been working so hard to correct the mistakes we've made at the risk of losing things along the way. Other people would just walk away from the issues. We are honest, hard-working, loyal people and are facing our problems head-on. I would so love to say that my life is nothing but sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. That I'm so happy all the time roses are coming out of my ass. (that wouldn't be very comfortable though) I'd love to have a much more upbeat and positive outlook and be able to share that everyone. But I've been stressed and struggling for over two years now that I'm just about ready to give up.

And now I have to go do some laundry.

A most productive day!

No, I did not stay home and clean and do dishes and laundry. Hush yo mouf!

Had a very quick morning at the store, which is both good and bad. Bad in that I love it there, love being around other adults and friends and such. Good in that there wasn't much time for my kids to destroy the place.

After work we hightailed it up to Costco. Along the way there some jackass in a big old Suburban driving like a jackass in a big old Suburban started playing games with me. Dude, do NOT play games with me on the road because I will kick your ass. I don't care that you're a big black guy. I do not take kindly to your trying to squeeze into my lane when you know DAMN well there's no room for you. I don't even care that you're kind enough to signal. But DON'T try to weasel your way into my lane and try to run me off the shoulder when I am doing close to 80 mph. Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. The guy was pissed at me, probably because he did not expect for a woman to NOT get out of his way. He tried over and over to either cut me off or get ahead of me and I did not let it happen. He's the one that made the poor choice to be in the lane he was in when he was in it. Just because he's driving a huge vehicle doesn't give him the right to cut in whenever he wants. Bastard. He probably took my license plate humber and called the cops on me lol. Or he'll find out where I live and burn my house down. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, really.

So we made it to Costco, got the price adjustment we went there for, got some hot dogs with the money they gave us and then headed over to DSW where I had a pair of shoes on hold. I was really hoping to find yet ANOTHER pair of black leather cork wedges but they're all going bye-bye to make room for Fall boots. So I ended up with a pair of black Naturalizers which I just love. Taylor was excited as I bought her a pair of sparkly black faux Converse. Then we went next door to Old Navy so I could find some t-shirts for myself. I do not wear t-shirts unless they are 3/4 length sleeves. The only time I wear a "normal" t-shirt is if I'm sleeping in it or slumming it at home. I have this funky thing happening on my upper arms that my dermatologist says will never go away so I hate baring my arms. I was very disappointed in their selection of anything I would consider so I ended up buying stuff for the kids. Sigh.

On the way home we stopped at a little roadside farmer's stand that Molly had told me about. The kids wanted to see the huge cow and the goats. There were some nice plants that I wanted to buy but the lady working there said the ones I wanted were mostly at the end of their season and wouldn't transfer well to being indoors. So we left.

We spent part of the afternoon with some friends from work down at the 4H farm fair looking at all the beautiful farm animals. I'm so happy that my kids can appreciate stuff like this. After I took them to the pool and let them play for a couple hours.

Before they went to bed I read a chapter from Little House on the Prairie. We're really enjoying it. I don't think Emma & Zoe are quite there yet but they seem to like listening to me read. I told Taylor when we finish the book we'll borrow the others from the library and I'll continue reading to her.

I am SO ready for Fall weather

Yes, I said it. I am wanting some cool, crisp weather. I want to wear jeans and boots and pretty coats. It's only July 19th and I am over the heat. I've never been a fan of hot weather. Living in Hawaii it got up into the 80's but rarely was it super humid like it's been here. I have been melting in this heat. It's been in the low 90's the last few days with humidity hovering around 75%. Oy. It's going to hit 100 on Thursday. I might not make it, especially if I have to set foot outside. I told the kids we *might* go to the pool today and I put extra emphasis on the *might,* hence the asterisks. They are bound to piss me off in the next hour and in my anger I will say "That's it, we're not going to the pool, you've blown it for everyone." Besides, I just colored my hair last night and if I go in, the pool water might turn it purple or something weird like that. I guess I just won't get my hair wet. I'll have to invest in one of those crazy bright yellow swim caps that has flowers all over it and then I'll really look like an old lady in my swimsuit with a skirt. Might as well wear the old style swim bloomers huh?

Today is my husband's birthday. I like that our birthdays are only 10 days apart (mine is the 9th). He is off flying around and will be home tomorrow afternoon. So I am going to bake him a German Chocolate cake and make Chicken Marsala with wild rice for dinner. His favorites. Many months ago I found on Groupon a private wine tasting & tour for 4 people at Chateau Aeronatique near Jackson and thought he would like that so I bought it and now just need to set up a weekend afternoon to go.

Crap I just realized it's almost 4 and I haven't been to the bank yet so I have to get moving!

Where do we go when we have lost ourselves?

I asked myself this question last night as I was getting ready for bed. Every night for the last 5 years or so I have looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what happened to the Cathleen I used to know and love? The person looking back at me is more of a stranger, a shell of who I used to be. Where did Cathleen go? She was young, energetic, pretty, happy and carefree. The person looking at me in the mirror is 41, concerned with the rapidly increasing amount of gray hairs on her head, concerned about the chest pains she's had practically everyday for the last year or so. She is stressed out all the time, yells at her kids all the time, is angry at the world. She's going to drop dead in 5 years if something doesn't change for the better. She is nothing of the person she used to be.

I have lost my way in life. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I'm a mother and a wife and a friend. That goes without saying. But I used to be so much more than those things. I used to be adventurous and spontaneous. I used to be confident and proud of who I was. I could walk into room and not worry what people thought of me.

My children are driving me nuts, contributing to the massive amounts of stress in my life. I have 3 very vivacious girls. Lots of drama in our house. Lots of fighting, whining and bossiness in our house. It's constant, never-ending. I am tired of it. Tired of being a referee, tired of listening to it on a daily basis. It wears me down, makes me angry, makes me yell. Some nights I lay in bed, afraid to fall asleep because what if I have a heart attack in my sleep and die? Surely the stress my heart has been under is too much.

Please don't get me wrong. I love love love my children. Most days I just don't like them. I don't like how they treat each other, how they don't listen, how they fight, how they are so destructive. What did I do when I was younger that I am being punished for now? I am not the mom that I always thought I would be. Most of my girlfriends are the way I had hoped to be. I envisioned lots of arts and crafts, lots of baking cookies, lots of snuggle time in beds and long talks about girly things. I never expected to find being a mom so overwhelming, so stressful, so not a lot of fun all the time. I am envious of some of my friends who have wonderful, nurturing relationships with their kids. Sometimes I think mine wish I wasn't their mom.

Looks like it's time for Mom to get herself to a therapist huh? I was kind of hoping to avoid that but I can't seem to get out of the funk I've been in for the last 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Who wants a mom who is angry all the time?

My goal over the course of the next year is to find the person I used to be. Yes I'm older now, less energetic, more gray, more baggage. But if I can at least find the parts of her that I know are still in me somewhere, it will be a start. Not necessarily become more adventurous and spontaneous but to be happy with who I am, become confident again. It would be fabulous to have that strength in me to pass on to my girls so that they grow up to become strong, confident, happy women and good mothers. The kind of mom they should have had all these years.

It's not too late for me, I know. But it's going to be a long trip to find me and a long trip back. I will continue to post along the journey.