Where do we go when we have lost ourselves?

I asked myself this question last night as I was getting ready for bed. Every night for the last 5 years or so I have looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what happened to the Cathleen I used to know and love? The person looking back at me is more of a stranger, a shell of who I used to be. Where did Cathleen go? She was young, energetic, pretty, happy and carefree. The person looking at me in the mirror is 41, concerned with the rapidly increasing amount of gray hairs on her head, concerned about the chest pains she's had practically everyday for the last year or so. She is stressed out all the time, yells at her kids all the time, is angry at the world. She's going to drop dead in 5 years if something doesn't change for the better. She is nothing of the person she used to be.

I have lost my way in life. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I'm a mother and a wife and a friend. That goes without saying. But I used to be so much more than those things. I used to be adventurous and spontaneous. I used to be confident and proud of who I was. I could walk into room and not worry what people thought of me.

My children are driving me nuts, contributing to the massive amounts of stress in my life. I have 3 very vivacious girls. Lots of drama in our house. Lots of fighting, whining and bossiness in our house. It's constant, never-ending. I am tired of it. Tired of being a referee, tired of listening to it on a daily basis. It wears me down, makes me angry, makes me yell. Some nights I lay in bed, afraid to fall asleep because what if I have a heart attack in my sleep and die? Surely the stress my heart has been under is too much.

Please don't get me wrong. I love love love my children. Most days I just don't like them. I don't like how they treat each other, how they don't listen, how they fight, how they are so destructive. What did I do when I was younger that I am being punished for now? I am not the mom that I always thought I would be. Most of my girlfriends are the way I had hoped to be. I envisioned lots of arts and crafts, lots of baking cookies, lots of snuggle time in beds and long talks about girly things. I never expected to find being a mom so overwhelming, so stressful, so not a lot of fun all the time. I am envious of some of my friends who have wonderful, nurturing relationships with their kids. Sometimes I think mine wish I wasn't their mom.

Looks like it's time for Mom to get herself to a therapist huh? I was kind of hoping to avoid that but I can't seem to get out of the funk I've been in for the last 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Who wants a mom who is angry all the time?

My goal over the course of the next year is to find the person I used to be. Yes I'm older now, less energetic, more gray, more baggage. But if I can at least find the parts of her that I know are still in me somewhere, it will be a start. Not necessarily become more adventurous and spontaneous but to be happy with who I am, become confident again. It would be fabulous to have that strength in me to pass on to my girls so that they grow up to become strong, confident, happy women and good mothers. The kind of mom they should have had all these years.

It's not too late for me, I know. But it's going to be a long trip to find me and a long trip back. I will continue to post along the journey.