Can't take much more of this

I am going to say it and apologize now for saying but I fucking hate my kids. What the fuck did I do to deserve such ungrateful, selfish, horrible children? These kids have NO respect for their own property or anyone else's. We spend money that we don't exactly have to buy them new shoes for school and then one of them wears them into MUD and now they are ruined. Brand fucking new shoes. I bought them new lunch bento things today. They've had them for maybe 2 hours. One of them - and no one will say who - used a Sharpie and drew all over hers. I am fucking pissed. They are destroying this house and all of the things in it. I'm sick of finding ruined clothes, ruined toys, ruined whatever. FUCKING SICK OF IT. My husband works his ass off to make the crappy salary he has and happily buys them nice things. Then they just turn around and ruin it all.

I don't want to be their mother anymore. I can't take any more of their fighting and whining and selfishness and laziness. I have never seen such lazy selfish children in my life. I'm over it. I just want to walk away now. I honestly cannot take any more of them. I seriously want to kick the crap out of something. I have so much anger inside of me right now. My heart is going to give out, I just know it.

What do I do? I'm fucking them up. When I lose it like I just did and scream at them that I just want to leave and that they are lazy and selfish, I know it's messing them up. Deep down inside I do not hate them. I hate myself. But they make me so damn angry with their selfishness and laziness. I have done everything to teach them the opposite. What did I do wrong? They are going to grow up to be angry adults, grow up to hate me. I can't go back in time to make this all right. I don't even think I can make it better now. Taylor has no confidence and is so sensitive. Emma has her own set of problems. Zoe used to be such a sweet girl but is now lying about things, hitting her sister, breaking and destroying things.

I know we should see a family therapist but then they'll think there's something wrong with them. They associate a therapist with Emma and her problems. I've asked Taylor if she would like to see someone but she said no.

All I know is that I need to get help soon or I'm going to snap and go crazy.