My kids must think I am the most evil Mom around

So I'm sitting here at the computer, just ate dinner and I'm feeling relaxed and sleepy. The girls come and ask if they can ride their bikes down to the "loopy-loop" (cul-de-sac) and back and I say not right now. Taylor suggests maybe I can go with them and I tell her no, I just ate and I'm really tired. Maybe I'll go out with them in a little bit. Not even 5 minutes goes by and Emma comes in to announce that both Taylor and Zoe have gone done to the loopy-loop with their friend from down the street. I became very angry and went out to walk the dogs like I had planned to do and called Taylor and Zoe to me. I told them that I specifically said NOT to ride down there without me and said they could put their bikes away and go in the house for blatantly disobeying me. Taylor starts to argue with me, saying that she thought I meant that I wasn't going to ride my bike with them then I told her exactly what I had said in the house and she just acts like she's so stupid. Then Zoe starts bawling, blaming it on Taylor. I yelled at them both to just get in the house. Taylor knew damn well what I meant and chose not to listen to me and then has the audacity to be upset with me.

These kids don't have any respect for me or each other. I just don't get it. I can't really explain in words what I mean and how I feel about this, which is weird because I would so much rather not have to talk about it lol.

Their friend probably thinks I'm super mean but she can shove it because she has such an attitude for a 7 year old. I love her parents and they are fabulous parents and I wish I was as calm and patient as her mother. But I'm not. Somewhere along this parental journey I lost all calm and patience. At some point reason left me and I checked out.

Did I tell you that I am headed to Texas in 3 weeks for a few days of R & R WITHOUT my kids?? I will miss my husband dearly but not my kids. They are the reason I am going. I am at my wit's end. The other night my chest hurt so badly I seriously thought about going up to the ER. But I felt guilty about even thinking of doing that because then who would take care of the kids, etc... Now I understand why so many women neglect their health. We're either so incredibly busy that we couldn't possibly get away to get examined or we're so in denial of the possibility that something could be wrong. And either way I think to some extreme we're all hoping a little that something IS wrong so maybe we get to spend a day or two in the hospital away from everyone. It's been so long since someone took care of me. Hell, I don't even take care of myself. I'm so busy making sure everyone else is taken care of that I put ME off to the side in the hopes of being able to get around to myself at a later date. When will that ever be?

I keep hoping for something to light the fire under me. What needs to happen to make me see where I'm headed? I don't even think ending up in the hospital would motivate me enough. Am I so far gone that I am just giving up? I don't think so, not yet at least. Every now and then I feel a little something way down in my heart that struggles to get me to try. I know that once I got going it would be easy and become habit but it's the just getting started that is the hardest for me. I don't WANT to be angry and depressed all the time. I don't WANT to hate myself. Yes I love my husband and kids and owe it to them to be the best wife and mom I can be. Trouble is that I don't love myself. I want so much more for myself but I just can't get that fire lit. Every now and then there are sparks but they die out. I want my kids to love me and not think I'm evil. I want my husband to look at me and think I'm beautiful and be happy he married me. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see, be happy with how I look and know that I'm a happy person.

It's so hard and makes me feel so horrible when Emma comes to me to say goodnight and I'm torn between feeling angry and wanting to just hold her and love her. Love always win, thankfully. She comes to me and is so sweet and loving, completely opposite of how she acts during the day. That short sweet moment reminds me of why I had kids and why I love them and being their mom. And that there probably is hope for me yet.

(side note: there is a frog on my window lol)