Why do bad things happen to good people?

I guess that's something I've asked myself a lot over the last few years because I do consider Phil and myself to be good people. I mean we're not murderers or tax evaders, we give to charity when we can, teach our children right from wrong, help out whenever someone needs something, etc... I just never understood how shit happens to good people who don't set out to screw other people. Like the guy who built our house. He is not a good person and is definitely screwing us.

I just found out yesterday that one of the few moms at St. Francis who has been nice to me the last couple of years has breast cancer. She has a son that's Emma's age and a daughter Taylor's age. She's only maybe 5 years older than I am. She's always been friendly to me and is a genuinely good person. I then found out that the father of another of Taylor's classmates has lung & brain cancer. Seriously???

But then it makes me see my stress in a new light. It puts it into perspective and makes me realize that yes we're in a financial shithole but I'm still (relatively) healthy. I don't know what I would do if I got sick, or if Phil did. I just don't think I'm strong enough, emotionally or physically, to pull through a major illness. That said, if I did get sick I would definitely find it in me to fight and not give up.

I hate getting older and all the creaking and blurry vision and stiff joints. Not a good time. I don't deal well with death. I don't deal well thinking about my own mortality. It puts me into anxiety mode and keeps me awake for hours at night. We each believe our own beliefs about life and death and mine are personal so I won't be sharing them with you but I like to believe that there is something more after death, something on a different level. Maybe spiritual, maybe not. I never grew up with religion as a child. It was more science. My dad would get pissed at me if I said "Oh my God" in reaction to something. I grew up studying the universe, the planets, the stars, astronomy. If I had been any good at math, I probably would have gone into that field, I loved it that much. It's like the movie "Contact." I want to believe that there is more out there. It's almost like I *need* to believe that, in order for the anxiety to subside. Getting old SUCKS.

Yesterday was Emma's 8th birthday. Which then gets me reminiscing about when each of my 3 kids was born. Which then reminds me that my oldest is 11 and going into middle school. Which then makes me feel really old. Dammit!

We had a small group of friends celebrate with her, had it at the pool. It was SO much easier than Zoe's bowling party. I was much more relaxed yesterday. The kids played in the pool while I chatted with friends. We ate, had cake, opened presents, swam some more then went home. So nice!!

And now we are in our final days before school starts. This week will be a mad dash for me to finish school supply shopping and uniform shopping and making sure everyone has a lunch box and water bottle and backpack and socks and this and that and everything else. O.M.G.... Crazy time!!! I'm not looking forward to the 5am wake up call every morning but I am looking forward to the 7 hours of NO KIDS !!!!!!!!

Hopefully once everyone is settled into a good routine I can actually shift some of the focus to myself. Knowing that a friend who is close to my age has breast cancer, I need to get my booty into the doctor for my check-up. I also need to find myself a therapist. I need to find a way to get control over my anger and anxiety. Once I've started that maybe I'll be able to tackle the other massive hurdle...the weight gain.

It pains me to see my husband look at other women even though I know it's a guy thing, they all do it, blah blah blah... It just brings home the fact that he doesn't look at me that way. Or if he ever does, I'm either not seeing it or not home lol. I want so badly to lose this weight, for myself, for my health, for my kids. I just can't seem to get that fire lit under my ass enough for me to be motivated and WANT to make that change. Does that make sense? I do want to lose the weight but something in my crazy head is holding me back. It hasn't clicked with me yet. It's almost like I would need the doctor to tell me if I don't lose the weight I'm going to keel over. But at the same time, would THAT be enough to get me going? So I think talking it over with a therapist, someone who has no clue what a basket case I really am, will help me figure out what's stopping me.

Ok, I just heard one of the kids upstairs gasp in surprise/shock and I know that's never a good sound LOL so I think I should head up to see what's going on.