Life and other things

So the weekend up North was fun. I laid down the Ground Rules shortly after we left the house: no talking about work, the house, the lawsuit, etc. and he was actually really good about following them. The drive up was long and we got pulled over for speeding but the officer was super nice and let us go with just a warning.

Fall colors were at their peak and the Traverse City area was absolutely beautiful. We came up over a hill to see Torch Lake with the colorful trees and blue lake and afternoon sun shining on it all and it was breathtaking.

A friend graciously let us stay at her condo in Glen Arbor and we arrived around 7pm and then went out for dinner. Our friends who were meeting us there didn't arrive until close to midnight and I just couldn't stay up so I went to bed around 11. The next morning we had breakfast and then headed out to the Leelanau Peninsula and then to the Old Mission Peninsula to visit the wineries. We even stopped at the Grand Traverse Distillery and got a tour and sampled some vodka. The wineries were a lot of fun and we enjoyed some wonderful wines along the way. That night we had dinner in Traverse City, after a 2 hour wait for a table at most restaurants. It was super busy but the main street had lots of fabulous shops to browse through. Sunday morning we packed up and headed back into Traverse City for breakfast and a little shopping before heading home. We got home right around 5pm and the kids were thrilled to see us.

A much needed weekend away...

Phil and I are leaving tomorrow after lunch to go up North. A friend has a house in Glen Arbor at the Homestead and she is letting us stay there for the weekend! This will be our first weekend away without children in over 10 years. Yes. Ten years. I can hardly believe it either. It's been difficult for us without family up here to help and we've finally found a sitter that everyone likes and we trust.

We will be doing a weekend of wine tasting and winery touring. I cannot wait!! I have ground rules for the weekend though, and I will make them known at the beginning of the long drive up there. There is to be NO talk of work, the lawsuit, the gas station, the house, my health, or anything else that has caused us stress over the last 2 years. We are lucky that our marriage has been strong enough to weather the storms but the stress has definitely taken its toll and we both know that we've drifted apart a little. I'm ready to focus on just us. I hope he is too but I know I'm going to be let down because I have certain emotional expectations and I know from experience that he's not going to be able to live up to them. They're not even high expectations! He just needs to relax and not be so uptight around me.

I'll let you know how it goes. We are going up with another couple so he won't be so pressured the entire weekend LOL.

In other news, progress reports came home yesterday and Emma's teacher wants to set up a meeting with us to discuss her adjustment to third grade. I'm worried she's going to say that Emma needs to repeat 2nd grade, even though in my heart I know that's probably the best thing for her. She had a crappy 1st grade year and didn't learn what she needed to go forward. I talked to her about it last night and she was a wreck. I had to keep telling her it isn't because she's NOT smart, because I think she is. I said it's because she's just not ready yet for how fast third grade is. She even agreed that the work is really hard for her. I really should have had her repeat 1st grade, I don't know why I didn't think of it then or why no one suggested it. She would be doing great now if we had done that. This is just one more way I'm messing her up. We're going to meet with the teacher on Tuesday and see what she has to say and I will, of course, keep you posted on that too!!

Gotta round up the kids, fold some laundry, make some dinner, do some dishes, clean up a bit and pack my overnight bag!! Yippeeeeeeeeeee!!

Can't take much more of this

I am going to say it and apologize now for saying but I fucking hate my kids. What the fuck did I do to deserve such ungrateful, selfish, horrible children? These kids have NO respect for their own property or anyone else's. We spend money that we don't exactly have to buy them new shoes for school and then one of them wears them into MUD and now they are ruined. Brand fucking new shoes. I bought them new lunch bento things today. They've had them for maybe 2 hours. One of them - and no one will say who - used a Sharpie and drew all over hers. I am fucking pissed. They are destroying this house and all of the things in it. I'm sick of finding ruined clothes, ruined toys, ruined whatever. FUCKING SICK OF IT. My husband works his ass off to make the crappy salary he has and happily buys them nice things. Then they just turn around and ruin it all.

I don't want to be their mother anymore. I can't take any more of their fighting and whining and selfishness and laziness. I have never seen such lazy selfish children in my life. I'm over it. I just want to walk away now. I honestly cannot take any more of them. I seriously want to kick the crap out of something. I have so much anger inside of me right now. My heart is going to give out, I just know it.

What do I do? I'm fucking them up. When I lose it like I just did and scream at them that I just want to leave and that they are lazy and selfish, I know it's messing them up. Deep down inside I do not hate them. I hate myself. But they make me so damn angry with their selfishness and laziness. I have done everything to teach them the opposite. What did I do wrong? They are going to grow up to be angry adults, grow up to hate me. I can't go back in time to make this all right. I don't even think I can make it better now. Taylor has no confidence and is so sensitive. Emma has her own set of problems. Zoe used to be such a sweet girl but is now lying about things, hitting her sister, breaking and destroying things.

I know we should see a family therapist but then they'll think there's something wrong with them. They associate a therapist with Emma and her problems. I've asked Taylor if she would like to see someone but she said no.

All I know is that I need to get help soon or I'm going to snap and go crazy.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I guess that's something I've asked myself a lot over the last few years because I do consider Phil and myself to be good people. I mean we're not murderers or tax evaders, we give to charity when we can, teach our children right from wrong, help out whenever someone needs something, etc... I just never understood how shit happens to good people who don't set out to screw other people. Like the guy who built our house. He is not a good person and is definitely screwing us.

I just found out yesterday that one of the few moms at St. Francis who has been nice to me the last couple of years has breast cancer. She has a son that's Emma's age and a daughter Taylor's age. She's only maybe 5 years older than I am. She's always been friendly to me and is a genuinely good person. I then found out that the father of another of Taylor's classmates has lung & brain cancer. Seriously???

But then it makes me see my stress in a new light. It puts it into perspective and makes me realize that yes we're in a financial shithole but I'm still (relatively) healthy. I don't know what I would do if I got sick, or if Phil did. I just don't think I'm strong enough, emotionally or physically, to pull through a major illness. That said, if I did get sick I would definitely find it in me to fight and not give up.

I hate getting older and all the creaking and blurry vision and stiff joints. Not a good time. I don't deal well with death. I don't deal well thinking about my own mortality. It puts me into anxiety mode and keeps me awake for hours at night. We each believe our own beliefs about life and death and mine are personal so I won't be sharing them with you but I like to believe that there is something more after death, something on a different level. Maybe spiritual, maybe not. I never grew up with religion as a child. It was more science. My dad would get pissed at me if I said "Oh my God" in reaction to something. I grew up studying the universe, the planets, the stars, astronomy. If I had been any good at math, I probably would have gone into that field, I loved it that much. It's like the movie "Contact." I want to believe that there is more out there. It's almost like I *need* to believe that, in order for the anxiety to subside. Getting old SUCKS.

Yesterday was Emma's 8th birthday. Which then gets me reminiscing about when each of my 3 kids was born. Which then reminds me that my oldest is 11 and going into middle school. Which then makes me feel really old. Dammit!

We had a small group of friends celebrate with her, had it at the pool. It was SO much easier than Zoe's bowling party. I was much more relaxed yesterday. The kids played in the pool while I chatted with friends. We ate, had cake, opened presents, swam some more then went home. So nice!!

And now we are in our final days before school starts. This week will be a mad dash for me to finish school supply shopping and uniform shopping and making sure everyone has a lunch box and water bottle and backpack and socks and this and that and everything else. O.M.G.... Crazy time!!! I'm not looking forward to the 5am wake up call every morning but I am looking forward to the 7 hours of NO KIDS !!!!!!!!

Hopefully once everyone is settled into a good routine I can actually shift some of the focus to myself. Knowing that a friend who is close to my age has breast cancer, I need to get my booty into the doctor for my check-up. I also need to find myself a therapist. I need to find a way to get control over my anger and anxiety. Once I've started that maybe I'll be able to tackle the other massive hurdle...the weight gain.

It pains me to see my husband look at other women even though I know it's a guy thing, they all do it, blah blah blah... It just brings home the fact that he doesn't look at me that way. Or if he ever does, I'm either not seeing it or not home lol. I want so badly to lose this weight, for myself, for my health, for my kids. I just can't seem to get that fire lit under my ass enough for me to be motivated and WANT to make that change. Does that make sense? I do want to lose the weight but something in my crazy head is holding me back. It hasn't clicked with me yet. It's almost like I would need the doctor to tell me if I don't lose the weight I'm going to keel over. But at the same time, would THAT be enough to get me going? So I think talking it over with a therapist, someone who has no clue what a basket case I really am, will help me figure out what's stopping me.

Ok, I just heard one of the kids upstairs gasp in surprise/shock and I know that's never a good sound LOL so I think I should head up to see what's going on.

So heartbroken

I've been on my little vacation in Texas for a few days now and I'm gearing up to go home tomorrow afternoon. This evening Taylor called me, sobbing, and told me she had something terrible to tell me and I immediately thought one of the dogs had gotten hurt or died but she told me that our beloved Bearded Dragon, Oscar, had died and she didn't know how or why and that she was going to miss him so much, she didn't want another lizard because he was the best lizard in the whole world and that she loved him so much. It hurt me so much to hear how devastated she was that I burst out crying too. I'm crying right now as I write this because I loved him too. Funny how attached we became to a lizard but he was awesome and handsome and sweet. And now there is a hole in our family. Totally sucks that this happened while I was away but thankfully Dad was there, because he's good with this kind of thing. I know, though, that as soon as they all see me at the airport tomorrow they're all going to start crying. They'll all probably need to cuddle with me at home too and cry some more. If we get this heartbroken over a lizard, I hate to think of how we will be if anything happens to one of the dogs. Ugh. Phil said they will bury him in the yard by the big pine tree. Wish I could be there with them.

It's been good for me to be away from them. It's been nice not dealing with whining and fighting and yelling at them to clean their rooms. But I've missed them terribly. We've been video chatting, so I think that has been helpful for them to at least see me and talk to me. This is the longest I've been away from them and the longest Phil has had to take care of them. And I think he's done a great job. He's not a good Mom but he's an awesome Dad and I'll be forever grateful to him for letting me come down here.

It's not like I did any soul searching while I've been away but it's done my heart some good. I knew I would miss them but not the minute they drove away from me at the airport. I've talked about them incessantly too. I've bought things for them (well, not Emma because I totally forgot but I'll grab a stuffed animal at the airport!) and texted them everyday. I'm so fortunate to have such spirited and wonderful children, as difficult as they can be sometimes.

I don't have anything witty or funny to say today. My heart is heavy with the loss of Oscar.

(Although I am thinking of stealing the huge framed picture of a goat that is hanging on the wall in my room at Sarah's house.)

Teaching kids the value of things

I hate to say this but my kids are big time wasters. I'm constantly on their cases to turn off lights, don't stand there with the fridge door open, turn off the water, don't take more than you'll eat, etc. My two younger ones are also big time destroyers. And not just little things like crayons, toys or books but big things like OUR HOUSE. I shit you not. These two little heathens are drawing on the walls in their bedrooms, cutting up curtains and duvets, getting glitter glue on furniture and the carpet and marking up whatever they can find with a Sharpie. I could "justify" it if they were 2 years old but they're 6 and soon to be 8 years old!! WTF??? None of my three kids can keep their rooms clean. It's going to be an issue for as long as they're living with us. They are lazy and sloppy and I hate to admit it but they get a lot of it from me as I hate to clean. But I am always always always on them to clean their rooms. The problem is they have too much crap and I know I need to get rid of most of it. I hate to part with material things. I can't explain it but it pains me to throw stuff out. Anyway, they were given close to 3 hours to make magic in their rooms before I went up to check on them. There was even a reward (charm for their bracelets) but at the end of 3 hours only Taylor had transformed her room from a sty to relatively decent. As I opened the door to Zoe's room I saw something pink, glittery and gooey on a little table by the door. I saw that this pink goo had dripped onto the carpet below. I lost it. I made her get out of bed, go downstairs and grab some baby wipes and clean it all up. (yes, I still have baby wipes even though I technically don't have any babies in the house) As she was cleaning it up Emma came to watch and I went off about them not having a clue about how lucky they are. I told them there are lots and lots of children who do not have a home, don't have a bed, don't have enough to eat. I said there are children who have to sleep in a shack, on a floor, in their car while we have warm beds to sleep in. I told them they are so incredibly lucky to have their house, their own bedrooms, food to eat everyday. I hurts me to see that they are so selfish and unthinking, almost uncaring. They have had no clue about how much we've struggled the last 2 years. How just 2 months ago I was going through the entire house scrounging up change and soda cans to take to the grocery store to get food for them. Yeah you read that right. And yes, I drive a Mercedes. I will not go into detail about those personal issues but those of you who know me know about my house, my car, etc... Think what you want, judge me, whatever. You don't know the full story, the facts, the truths and you will only choose to believe what you see and think you know to be the truth. But the last two years have been a living hell for us. I've done well to hide a lot of our struggles, put on a brave happy face most days. The stress has taken its toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. My oldest has seen me crying over this many many times, not something I've wanted her to see. The two younger ones have had no clue. They've continued to destroy their home, waste their food and cause me more stress.

I don't know how to get them to understand what it is they're doing. They seem to think that everything is theirs to destroy. They have no qualms about taking a pair of scissors to a blanket. Or to the cord of an expensive pair of Sony headphones. Or their own clothes. Everything is a toy to them. They don't appreciate the things they do have.

ok I stepped away from writing for a few minutes and my train of thought has completely left the station and I can't get back to where I was and I've lost all steam so I think I'll end here and come back when I feel the need to vent and rant again lol

Friday can't get here fast enough

I'm headed to Texas on Friday y'all. Going down to spend a whirlwind weekend with friends and family. Phil's sister is going to pick me up the Houston airport then we're going straight to The Galleria, a hoity-toity type mall that makes our Somerset look like crappy Briarwood. Phil commented the other day that I don't have very many summery clothes and that's because I can't fit into any of my cute clothes anymore. Good times. Not really. It just adds to the depression. It's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed that I'm fat and being fat makes me depressed.

Anyway, Friday and Saturday night we're staying at the swank Houstonian. Ooh la la!! Then Saturday she said we're spending the entire day in the SPA!!!!! I can't wait. I think I might want a facial and a pedicure. I could use a massage but the oils they use make my skin freak out. I dunno, we'll see what they can do.

Sunday she's driving me halfway to Denton. My good friend Sarah will meet us there and then I'll go to Denton with her. Our plan is just as awesome...Thai food, drinks, shopping. I miss her so much. I was really lost for a while when she moved away. It's hard for me to find really good friends. But I'm okay now. We've been able to see each other several times since she's moved. Her oldest daughter and my Emma were born on the same day, same year.

Tuesday morning I am driving out to Plano to visit a friend I haven't seen in at least 15 years, we went to high school together and I've always liked her. I love Facebook for the sole reason that I have reconnected with so many of my friends from high school and college. I've even become better friends with someone I wasn't really friends with, if that makes sense. She was a few years ahead of me in high school, she was this mysterious cool upperclassman that everyone loved. She was nice to everyone, happy all the time. She hung out with a crowd that partied a lot, smoked pot. I don't know who friended who but she and I have become pretty good friends, she has given me wonderful advice about raising my daughters, support and prayers when I've needed them. Funny how life works out huh?

Anyway, I'm flying home Tuesday afternoon, provided I can get on the flight. This is my first attempt at non-revving by myself. I originally was going to fly into Houston and then drive myself to Denton but Phil was really worried that I would get lost and no one would hear from me again...that Dallas interchange is a nightmare. SO then I was going to fly from Houston to Dallas and rent a car there and drive up. Phil's sister said she'd drive me up instead lol. I'll rent a car up in Denton and make my way to the airport on my own.

Oh and yes, I'm going ALONE. That's right. No husband, no children. I am desperate to get away from the kids. Once school starts it won't be *as* bad but this summer has been horrific with them. I can't take any more of the fighting, crying, whining, not listening, the huge messes they make and don't clean up, etc...it goes on and on. All three of them are on my very last nerve.

I was talking to a friend the other day about women who have killed all their children and we both agreed while we would never ever ever do anything remotely close to that, we fully understand how those women could have done it. Those women suffered from depression that was never diagnosed or treated and they spiraled into the darkest depths where I think they completely disconnected from reality and honestly had no clue what they were doing because at that point they stopped being who they really were and darkness took over.

These children push my buttons every single day. I yell at them. This morning they made me so angry that I yelled at them and made them cry. Yes I felt bad about it afterwards but dammit, I just cannot take anymore. Thank God there's only 3 more weeks until school. Yes it means waking up at 5 every morning again but at least they will not be with me from 745am to 3pm. I'll have to deal with them for 5 hours after school but it won't be near as bad as now.

Wow I'm a rambler. And I don't flow well when I'm writing. Totally choppy. But that's how my thoughts are these days.

And on that note I think I'll head up to bed. I think tomorrow (if I remember!) I will try to figure out how to add pictures in my posts and I'll add some from our quick trip to Ludington.

Good night :-)

Testing out the whole mobile blogging deal.

Almost forgot!!!

Last night Phil and I went to see Night Ranger, Foreigner and Journey in concert!!! Well, we missed Night Ranger because we were late getting in but I did get to hear them sing "Sister Christian" and was happy about that. I told Phil that I had no clue what songs Foreigner sang and when they were done with their hour long set, I turned to him and said "I feel really stupid because I knew every song they sang!" and it was an awesome performance. Journey was pretty good considering it wasn't Steve Perry.

Sadly I only have crappy iPhone photos that I took, so I won't be posting those lol

My kids must think I am the most evil Mom around

So I'm sitting here at the computer, just ate dinner and I'm feeling relaxed and sleepy. The girls come and ask if they can ride their bikes down to the "loopy-loop" (cul-de-sac) and back and I say not right now. Taylor suggests maybe I can go with them and I tell her no, I just ate and I'm really tired. Maybe I'll go out with them in a little bit. Not even 5 minutes goes by and Emma comes in to announce that both Taylor and Zoe have gone done to the loopy-loop with their friend from down the street. I became very angry and went out to walk the dogs like I had planned to do and called Taylor and Zoe to me. I told them that I specifically said NOT to ride down there without me and said they could put their bikes away and go in the house for blatantly disobeying me. Taylor starts to argue with me, saying that she thought I meant that I wasn't going to ride my bike with them then I told her exactly what I had said in the house and she just acts like she's so stupid. Then Zoe starts bawling, blaming it on Taylor. I yelled at them both to just get in the house. Taylor knew damn well what I meant and chose not to listen to me and then has the audacity to be upset with me.

These kids don't have any respect for me or each other. I just don't get it. I can't really explain in words what I mean and how I feel about this, which is weird because I would so much rather not have to talk about it lol.

Their friend probably thinks I'm super mean but she can shove it because she has such an attitude for a 7 year old. I love her parents and they are fabulous parents and I wish I was as calm and patient as her mother. But I'm not. Somewhere along this parental journey I lost all calm and patience. At some point reason left me and I checked out.

Did I tell you that I am headed to Texas in 3 weeks for a few days of R & R WITHOUT my kids?? I will miss my husband dearly but not my kids. They are the reason I am going. I am at my wit's end. The other night my chest hurt so badly I seriously thought about going up to the ER. But I felt guilty about even thinking of doing that because then who would take care of the kids, etc... Now I understand why so many women neglect their health. We're either so incredibly busy that we couldn't possibly get away to get examined or we're so in denial of the possibility that something could be wrong. And either way I think to some extreme we're all hoping a little that something IS wrong so maybe we get to spend a day or two in the hospital away from everyone. It's been so long since someone took care of me. Hell, I don't even take care of myself. I'm so busy making sure everyone else is taken care of that I put ME off to the side in the hopes of being able to get around to myself at a later date. When will that ever be?

I keep hoping for something to light the fire under me. What needs to happen to make me see where I'm headed? I don't even think ending up in the hospital would motivate me enough. Am I so far gone that I am just giving up? I don't think so, not yet at least. Every now and then I feel a little something way down in my heart that struggles to get me to try. I know that once I got going it would be easy and become habit but it's the just getting started that is the hardest for me. I don't WANT to be angry and depressed all the time. I don't WANT to hate myself. Yes I love my husband and kids and owe it to them to be the best wife and mom I can be. Trouble is that I don't love myself. I want so much more for myself but I just can't get that fire lit. Every now and then there are sparks but they die out. I want my kids to love me and not think I'm evil. I want my husband to look at me and think I'm beautiful and be happy he married me. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I see, be happy with how I look and know that I'm a happy person.

It's so hard and makes me feel so horrible when Emma comes to me to say goodnight and I'm torn between feeling angry and wanting to just hold her and love her. Love always win, thankfully. She comes to me and is so sweet and loving, completely opposite of how she acts during the day. That short sweet moment reminds me of why I had kids and why I love them and being their mom. And that there probably is hope for me yet.

(side note: there is a frog on my window lol)

One week and counting until vacation!!!

I cannot wait. Even though we are just staying in Michigan and it will only be a few days, I am so excited to be leaving the house and going SOMEWHERE ELSE. We are headed West, to a town on Lake Michigan called Ludington. In the 9 years that we've lived here (crap! has it been that long???) I have never seen any of the Great Lakes, not even when flying over them. Everyone here tells me that I'll never know it's not the ocean. But I think they're just saying that to make me feel better about not being in Hawaii. Suck ups.

We bought one of those hard sided roof cargo carriers, the kind that looks like it's from Star Trek and probably how Spock was laid to rest somewhere deep in the universe. I suggested putting the kids in it for the drive up and I think Phil considered it for a split second.

We're going to stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which excites me to no end because now I can legitimately say "No, I'm not a brain surgeon but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Suh-weet!! We're driving up Saturday morning and coming home Tuesday afternoon. Short but I'm sure we'll have a blast. We plan on hanging out at the "beach" for a good part of the weekend. The kids have their buckets and shovels ready to go for sand castle making.

It will do us good as a family to be together exploring new places.

Life gets in the way of life

Does that make sense? I posted on FB last night that I don't know why life has to be so complicated. I don't make it anything other than what it is and yet it's so messed up. I don't go about my days trying to make my life complicated, as someone suggested. Seriously? Basically this person's response was that your life is only as complicated as you make it. Listen buddy, I am NOT making my life this way. It's just how it's playing out. Two plus years of incredible stress, seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel and thinking everything's actually going to be okay then having setbacks and barely being able to see the light is not something we set out to accomplish in our life's journey. I never sat down with my husband and said, "I've got a brilliant idea. Let's fuck everything up so badly that we suffer for two or three years. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Yeah, that's what we did.

I don't like to go into much detail about my personal life and struggles. Most people who "know" me only see what they want to see so they make judgements based on things they see. Yes I live in a large house, yes I drive a nice car, yes my husband has a sports car, yes yes yes. But those are things that you only see, you don't know the background, the facts, the truth.

(I will, however, share with you my emotional struggle dealing with my kids and depression. I'm not ashamed, there is no stigma attached to that for me. It's not something I've made up, not something that's just in my head.)

Anyway... Yes I have problems. But before you judge me and say that my life is complicated because I am making it so, I think you should take at look at yourself first. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We've been working so hard to correct the mistakes we've made at the risk of losing things along the way. Other people would just walk away from the issues. We are honest, hard-working, loyal people and are facing our problems head-on. I would so love to say that my life is nothing but sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. That I'm so happy all the time roses are coming out of my ass. (that wouldn't be very comfortable though) I'd love to have a much more upbeat and positive outlook and be able to share that everyone. But I've been stressed and struggling for over two years now that I'm just about ready to give up.

And now I have to go do some laundry.

A most productive day!

No, I did not stay home and clean and do dishes and laundry. Hush yo mouf!

Had a very quick morning at the store, which is both good and bad. Bad in that I love it there, love being around other adults and friends and such. Good in that there wasn't much time for my kids to destroy the place.

After work we hightailed it up to Costco. Along the way there some jackass in a big old Suburban driving like a jackass in a big old Suburban started playing games with me. Dude, do NOT play games with me on the road because I will kick your ass. I don't care that you're a big black guy. I do not take kindly to your trying to squeeze into my lane when you know DAMN well there's no room for you. I don't even care that you're kind enough to signal. But DON'T try to weasel your way into my lane and try to run me off the shoulder when I am doing close to 80 mph. Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. The guy was pissed at me, probably because he did not expect for a woman to NOT get out of his way. He tried over and over to either cut me off or get ahead of me and I did not let it happen. He's the one that made the poor choice to be in the lane he was in when he was in it. Just because he's driving a huge vehicle doesn't give him the right to cut in whenever he wants. Bastard. He probably took my license plate humber and called the cops on me lol. Or he'll find out where I live and burn my house down. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, really.

So we made it to Costco, got the price adjustment we went there for, got some hot dogs with the money they gave us and then headed over to DSW where I had a pair of shoes on hold. I was really hoping to find yet ANOTHER pair of black leather cork wedges but they're all going bye-bye to make room for Fall boots. So I ended up with a pair of black Naturalizers which I just love. Taylor was excited as I bought her a pair of sparkly black faux Converse. Then we went next door to Old Navy so I could find some t-shirts for myself. I do not wear t-shirts unless they are 3/4 length sleeves. The only time I wear a "normal" t-shirt is if I'm sleeping in it or slumming it at home. I have this funky thing happening on my upper arms that my dermatologist says will never go away so I hate baring my arms. I was very disappointed in their selection of anything I would consider so I ended up buying stuff for the kids. Sigh.

On the way home we stopped at a little roadside farmer's stand that Molly had told me about. The kids wanted to see the huge cow and the goats. There were some nice plants that I wanted to buy but the lady working there said the ones I wanted were mostly at the end of their season and wouldn't transfer well to being indoors. So we left.

We spent part of the afternoon with some friends from work down at the 4H farm fair looking at all the beautiful farm animals. I'm so happy that my kids can appreciate stuff like this. After I took them to the pool and let them play for a couple hours.

Before they went to bed I read a chapter from Little House on the Prairie. We're really enjoying it. I don't think Emma & Zoe are quite there yet but they seem to like listening to me read. I told Taylor when we finish the book we'll borrow the others from the library and I'll continue reading to her.

I am SO ready for Fall weather

Yes, I said it. I am wanting some cool, crisp weather. I want to wear jeans and boots and pretty coats. It's only July 19th and I am over the heat. I've never been a fan of hot weather. Living in Hawaii it got up into the 80's but rarely was it super humid like it's been here. I have been melting in this heat. It's been in the low 90's the last few days with humidity hovering around 75%. Oy. It's going to hit 100 on Thursday. I might not make it, especially if I have to set foot outside. I told the kids we *might* go to the pool today and I put extra emphasis on the *might,* hence the asterisks. They are bound to piss me off in the next hour and in my anger I will say "That's it, we're not going to the pool, you've blown it for everyone." Besides, I just colored my hair last night and if I go in, the pool water might turn it purple or something weird like that. I guess I just won't get my hair wet. I'll have to invest in one of those crazy bright yellow swim caps that has flowers all over it and then I'll really look like an old lady in my swimsuit with a skirt. Might as well wear the old style swim bloomers huh?

Today is my husband's birthday. I like that our birthdays are only 10 days apart (mine is the 9th). He is off flying around and will be home tomorrow afternoon. So I am going to bake him a German Chocolate cake and make Chicken Marsala with wild rice for dinner. His favorites. Many months ago I found on Groupon a private wine tasting & tour for 4 people at Chateau Aeronatique near Jackson and thought he would like that so I bought it and now just need to set up a weekend afternoon to go.

Crap I just realized it's almost 4 and I haven't been to the bank yet so I have to get moving!

Where do we go when we have lost ourselves?

I asked myself this question last night as I was getting ready for bed. Every night for the last 5 years or so I have looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what happened to the Cathleen I used to know and love? The person looking back at me is more of a stranger, a shell of who I used to be. Where did Cathleen go? She was young, energetic, pretty, happy and carefree. The person looking at me in the mirror is 41, concerned with the rapidly increasing amount of gray hairs on her head, concerned about the chest pains she's had practically everyday for the last year or so. She is stressed out all the time, yells at her kids all the time, is angry at the world. She's going to drop dead in 5 years if something doesn't change for the better. She is nothing of the person she used to be.

I have lost my way in life. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I'm a mother and a wife and a friend. That goes without saying. But I used to be so much more than those things. I used to be adventurous and spontaneous. I used to be confident and proud of who I was. I could walk into room and not worry what people thought of me.

My children are driving me nuts, contributing to the massive amounts of stress in my life. I have 3 very vivacious girls. Lots of drama in our house. Lots of fighting, whining and bossiness in our house. It's constant, never-ending. I am tired of it. Tired of being a referee, tired of listening to it on a daily basis. It wears me down, makes me angry, makes me yell. Some nights I lay in bed, afraid to fall asleep because what if I have a heart attack in my sleep and die? Surely the stress my heart has been under is too much.

Please don't get me wrong. I love love love my children. Most days I just don't like them. I don't like how they treat each other, how they don't listen, how they fight, how they are so destructive. What did I do when I was younger that I am being punished for now? I am not the mom that I always thought I would be. Most of my girlfriends are the way I had hoped to be. I envisioned lots of arts and crafts, lots of baking cookies, lots of snuggle time in beds and long talks about girly things. I never expected to find being a mom so overwhelming, so stressful, so not a lot of fun all the time. I am envious of some of my friends who have wonderful, nurturing relationships with their kids. Sometimes I think mine wish I wasn't their mom.

Looks like it's time for Mom to get herself to a therapist huh? I was kind of hoping to avoid that but I can't seem to get out of the funk I've been in for the last 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Who wants a mom who is angry all the time?

My goal over the course of the next year is to find the person I used to be. Yes I'm older now, less energetic, more gray, more baggage. But if I can at least find the parts of her that I know are still in me somewhere, it will be a start. Not necessarily become more adventurous and spontaneous but to be happy with who I am, become confident again. It would be fabulous to have that strength in me to pass on to my girls so that they grow up to become strong, confident, happy women and good mothers. The kind of mom they should have had all these years.

It's not too late for me, I know. But it's going to be a long trip to find me and a long trip back. I will continue to post along the journey.

Things Our Mothers Taught Us

I saw this recently and thought it was funny and now that I am a mother, I have found myself saying some of these things to my own children. My mom would never have said any of these things as she was from Thailand and didn't know a lot of English and funny sayings. The closest she got was if I came to her saying that So-and-So was doing it, why couldn't I? And then she'd say to me, "Well if So-and-So jumps off a bridge, are you going to jump too?" or "If So-and-So jumps into the fire, are you going to jump in too?" and of course my answer was always YES! and then she'd chase me around the house with a wooden rice paddle trying to smack me for mouthing off.

Enjoy these!
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1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2) My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4) My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5) My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7) My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"

8) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut up and eat your supper!"

9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10) My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11) My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

12) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait till we get home."

13) My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

14) My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way."

15) My mother taught me about ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you're cold?"

16) My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me."

17) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."

18) My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father!"

19) My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

20) My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

21) My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"

How could I have forgotten?

I swear this getting old shit just sucks. I keep forgetting that I have started this so-called blog, keep forgetting that I actually have a place to come and vent my frustrations at life. Funny that my last post was nearly a year ago. And before that I think it was 2007. When I was in high school I filled countless black and white composition notebooks full of teenage angst. It was supposed to be something we did only for English class but I loved how writing in it made me feel because I knew that I was the only one who would read it. Yeah, until we were told to turn them in to be graded. Oh the horror of knowing my beloved English teacher would be reading about how I hated school, hated living with my dad, loved my boyfriend, etc. Turns out she actually loved my writing, loved the humor that I infused into everyday things, loved that I poured my heart and soul into each page that I wrote. By the end of my senior year I think I had maybe 15-20 of those journals. Every page filled, cover to cover. And in a box somewhere, I still have them. I think it would be hilarious and embarrassing to go through those journals now, to see what was so important to me when I was 16, 17 and 18. To read about my hopes and dreams, what I was scared of, what I looked forward to, what I hoped my life would bring me once I left home. Well I can tell you what life gave me once I did leave home. But we'll save that for another entry ;-) When I got to college my focus changed but I did continue to write in larger journals. I have those in a box as well. I can remember sitting for hours in the Quad, filling page after page about the guy who had jilted me that month. Talking to no one in particular about the most amazing book I had just read, Gone With The Wind. How I loved Scarlett O'Hara, wanted to be like her. Of course I have reread that book as an adult and no longer wish to be that spoiled brat lol.

I wrote in journals for some time. I do remember a time in my life, I think I was gearing up to get married, that I wasn't writing at all. I remember picking up a new journal, hoping to fill it with all the wonderful things that had happened and were going to happen. I didn't get far until the words wouldn't come to me anymore. Somehow I had lost the love to write. How sad that memory is now. All those years since that memory, I think it must be about 14 years now... with nothing to say about the journey I have been on. I wish now that I had continued to write because how wonderful it would be to read to my oldest what was happening to me while she was in my belly, what her birth was to me, what joy and happiness and terror she brought to our lives.

Maybe I hope now that by writing there will be something for her to read when another 11 years have gone by. Hopefully I'll be here to read it to her. That is, if I can remember that I actually do have a blog!!