I am SO ready for Fall weather

Yes, I said it. I am wanting some cool, crisp weather. I want to wear jeans and boots and pretty coats. It's only July 19th and I am over the heat. I've never been a fan of hot weather. Living in Hawaii it got up into the 80's but rarely was it super humid like it's been here. I have been melting in this heat. It's been in the low 90's the last few days with humidity hovering around 75%. Oy. It's going to hit 100 on Thursday. I might not make it, especially if I have to set foot outside. I told the kids we *might* go to the pool today and I put extra emphasis on the *might,* hence the asterisks. They are bound to piss me off in the next hour and in my anger I will say "That's it, we're not going to the pool, you've blown it for everyone." Besides, I just colored my hair last night and if I go in, the pool water might turn it purple or something weird like that. I guess I just won't get my hair wet. I'll have to invest in one of those crazy bright yellow swim caps that has flowers all over it and then I'll really look like an old lady in my swimsuit with a skirt. Might as well wear the old style swim bloomers huh?

Today is my husband's birthday. I like that our birthdays are only 10 days apart (mine is the 9th). He is off flying around and will be home tomorrow afternoon. So I am going to bake him a German Chocolate cake and make Chicken Marsala with wild rice for dinner. His favorites. Many months ago I found on Groupon a private wine tasting & tour for 4 people at Chateau Aeronatique near Jackson and thought he would like that so I bought it and now just need to set up a weekend afternoon to go.

Crap I just realized it's almost 4 and I haven't been to the bank yet so I have to get moving!

Where do we go when we have lost ourselves?

I asked myself this question last night as I was getting ready for bed. Every night for the last 5 years or so I have looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what happened to the Cathleen I used to know and love? The person looking back at me is more of a stranger, a shell of who I used to be. Where did Cathleen go? She was young, energetic, pretty, happy and carefree. The person looking at me in the mirror is 41, concerned with the rapidly increasing amount of gray hairs on her head, concerned about the chest pains she's had practically everyday for the last year or so. She is stressed out all the time, yells at her kids all the time, is angry at the world. She's going to drop dead in 5 years if something doesn't change for the better. She is nothing of the person she used to be.

I have lost my way in life. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I'm a mother and a wife and a friend. That goes without saying. But I used to be so much more than those things. I used to be adventurous and spontaneous. I used to be confident and proud of who I was. I could walk into room and not worry what people thought of me.

My children are driving me nuts, contributing to the massive amounts of stress in my life. I have 3 very vivacious girls. Lots of drama in our house. Lots of fighting, whining and bossiness in our house. It's constant, never-ending. I am tired of it. Tired of being a referee, tired of listening to it on a daily basis. It wears me down, makes me angry, makes me yell. Some nights I lay in bed, afraid to fall asleep because what if I have a heart attack in my sleep and die? Surely the stress my heart has been under is too much.

Please don't get me wrong. I love love love my children. Most days I just don't like them. I don't like how they treat each other, how they don't listen, how they fight, how they are so destructive. What did I do when I was younger that I am being punished for now? I am not the mom that I always thought I would be. Most of my girlfriends are the way I had hoped to be. I envisioned lots of arts and crafts, lots of baking cookies, lots of snuggle time in beds and long talks about girly things. I never expected to find being a mom so overwhelming, so stressful, so not a lot of fun all the time. I am envious of some of my friends who have wonderful, nurturing relationships with their kids. Sometimes I think mine wish I wasn't their mom.

Looks like it's time for Mom to get herself to a therapist huh? I was kind of hoping to avoid that but I can't seem to get out of the funk I've been in for the last 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Who wants a mom who is angry all the time?

My goal over the course of the next year is to find the person I used to be. Yes I'm older now, less energetic, more gray, more baggage. But if I can at least find the parts of her that I know are still in me somewhere, it will be a start. Not necessarily become more adventurous and spontaneous but to be happy with who I am, become confident again. It would be fabulous to have that strength in me to pass on to my girls so that they grow up to become strong, confident, happy women and good mothers. The kind of mom they should have had all these years.

It's not too late for me, I know. But it's going to be a long trip to find me and a long trip back. I will continue to post along the journey.

Things Our Mothers Taught Us

I saw this recently and thought it was funny and now that I am a mother, I have found myself saying some of these things to my own children. My mom would never have said any of these things as she was from Thailand and didn't know a lot of English and funny sayings. The closest she got was if I came to her saying that So-and-So was doing it, why couldn't I? And then she'd say to me, "Well if So-and-So jumps off a bridge, are you going to jump too?" or "If So-and-So jumps into the fire, are you going to jump in too?" and of course my answer was always YES! and then she'd chase me around the house with a wooden rice paddle trying to smack me for mouthing off.

Enjoy these!
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1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2) My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4) My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5) My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7) My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"

8) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut up and eat your supper!"

9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10) My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11) My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

12) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait till we get home."

13) My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

14) My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way."

15) My mother taught me about ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you're cold?"

16) My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me."

17) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."

18) My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father!"

19) My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

20) My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

21) My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"

How could I have forgotten?

I swear this getting old shit just sucks. I keep forgetting that I have started this so-called blog, keep forgetting that I actually have a place to come and vent my frustrations at life. Funny that my last post was nearly a year ago. And before that I think it was 2007. When I was in high school I filled countless black and white composition notebooks full of teenage angst. It was supposed to be something we did only for English class but I loved how writing in it made me feel because I knew that I was the only one who would read it. Yeah, until we were told to turn them in to be graded. Oh the horror of knowing my beloved English teacher would be reading about how I hated school, hated living with my dad, loved my boyfriend, etc. Turns out she actually loved my writing, loved the humor that I infused into everyday things, loved that I poured my heart and soul into each page that I wrote. By the end of my senior year I think I had maybe 15-20 of those journals. Every page filled, cover to cover. And in a box somewhere, I still have them. I think it would be hilarious and embarrassing to go through those journals now, to see what was so important to me when I was 16, 17 and 18. To read about my hopes and dreams, what I was scared of, what I looked forward to, what I hoped my life would bring me once I left home. Well I can tell you what life gave me once I did leave home. But we'll save that for another entry ;-) When I got to college my focus changed but I did continue to write in larger journals. I have those in a box as well. I can remember sitting for hours in the Quad, filling page after page about the guy who had jilted me that month. Talking to no one in particular about the most amazing book I had just read, Gone With The Wind. How I loved Scarlett O'Hara, wanted to be like her. Of course I have reread that book as an adult and no longer wish to be that spoiled brat lol.

I wrote in journals for some time. I do remember a time in my life, I think I was gearing up to get married, that I wasn't writing at all. I remember picking up a new journal, hoping to fill it with all the wonderful things that had happened and were going to happen. I didn't get far until the words wouldn't come to me anymore. Somehow I had lost the love to write. How sad that memory is now. All those years since that memory, I think it must be about 14 years now... with nothing to say about the journey I have been on. I wish now that I had continued to write because how wonderful it would be to read to my oldest what was happening to me while she was in my belly, what her birth was to me, what joy and happiness and terror she brought to our lives.

Maybe I hope now that by writing there will be something for her to read when another 11 years have gone by. Hopefully I'll be here to read it to her. That is, if I can remember that I actually do have a blog!!

I must be smoking crack in my sleep...

The thought that has been in my head for the past couple of days is that I think I'd like to have another baby. There are SO many reasons why this will never happen.

1) I already have 3 kids that take up 98% of my time and 98% of my remaining brain cells.

2) I don't want to go through the nightmarish first year again. All 3 of my kids were pretty "challenging" in that first year. After 6 straight months of non-stop crying with Taylor I'm surprised I agreed to have any more children.

3) Adding another kid to our family would increase my stress level 10 times. I feel guilty enough that I'm not the mom I want to be, that would only get worse with a new baby. I know Phil would love to have a son but chances are with 3 girls the next one would also be a girl.

4) I just turned 40 and I'm having a hard enough time dealing with that lol. Yes I know there are lots of women who are still having babies at this age but I don't feel my body is up to it anymore.

5) Kids are SO damned expensive!!!

Yet even after knowing all these things and being on Phil's case the last 6 months to get a vasectomy, I've found myself thinking about having another baby. It hasn't been a consuming thought, more fleeting and I think it stems from being around so many babies this weekend. Not to mention the fact that I work in a BABY STORE and see tons of adorable babies everyday! I miss the feel and smell of a freshly bathed baby. I miss watching them discover new things. I love listening to them squeal and coo.

My friends would KILL me if I willingly got pregnant again. They all know that I would go insane with another kid. It has to be hormones. My period arrived a couple days ago and along with that the WORST PMS I think I have ever had. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Most of the day was spent wanting to beat the crap out of pretty much everyone around me. Then I'd be happy, then wanting to cry, then happy, then extremely angry. Not to mention exhausted, my entire body ACHES and other general crappiness. Today is much improved but only marginally. So I'm thinking that it's got to be hormones that's making my brain think these thoughts. Or it could also be that my oldest turned 10 in March, my middle one turned 7 on Saturday and my youngest, my BABY, turned 5 in June and starts Kindergarten next week. It could be that I am sad that they are growing up so fast. It could be that I am sitting next to a framed collage that includes a lot of baby pictures. And I'm having a hard time remembering so many of those precious baby memories. I guess I'm thinking a new baby would keep it all from ending...

So yes...I do believe I have been smoking crack in bed. I also think I'm going to text Phil and tell him I want another baby and see what he says. LOL...

Crap! Where did the time go??

Wow, I completely forgot that I even had started this blog LOL. My last post was in 2007. So I guess much has happened since then...but we haven't added any more kids to the family so don't even go there.

Phil is still flying the regional jets. He pretty much feels he is stuck there forever now. He's been flying without a contract OR a pay raise for 6 years now. His company is despicable. They are evil, selfish bastards.

I got a part-time job in April. I'm working for my friend, Molly, at her awesome store, The Little Seedling. It's this fabulous store full of amazing baby & Mama products...cloth diapers, strollers, car seats, etc...I know nothing about cloth diapers so I am in the back doing all of the internet order shipping. I love it. During the school year, I go in after I drop off Zoe (right around 8:30) and stay for however long it takes to get everything pulled, packed and shipped. Then I have the rest of the day to myself until I have to leave to pick up the girls (around 2:30pm). LOVE IT.

Taylor is going into 5th grade this year. Holy shit! When did I become old enough to have a 10 year old??? She's turning into your typical tween, but thankfully she hasn't developed any of those annoying celebrity crushes...YET. I can handle the Jonas Brothers but not Justin Bieber. She went away to Girl Scout Camp this summer, her first time away from home for more than a night. She was pretty nervous about it, didn't want to go but ended up having a great time. She went with a friend from school so she wasn't "alone" and they did a week long horseback riding camp. When I asked if she'd like to go again next summer she said maybe not stay away camp lol.

Emma. Where do I even begin with this child??? She turns 7 this coming Saturday and is pretty excited about it. We've had a rough couple of years with her. She was finally diagnosed this Spring with mild ADHD and we've spent the summer trying to get her on a good dose of medication. She has come a long way, though, from the uncontrollable, angry child she was last Fall. She is a very sweet, loving person and I know all of her stubbornness will serve her well later in life.

Zoe starts Kindergarten this year!!! How did that happen?!?!? She is SO independent, wants so much to do everything her sisters do. So I let her. She's not spoiled, but I figure she's going to end up trying to do everything the others do sooner or later so why not let her at least TRY now? She's a cuddler, loves to sit with you on the couch and snuggle.

We have 2 new additions to the family: Buster the Pug and Oscar the Bearded Dragon.

Summer vacation SUCKS

I remember as a kid thinking summer vacation was the cat's meow. I mean c'mon!! We got 3 freaking months off of school to run loose and wreak havoc on the world. What could be better? Of course the reality of it was that I spent a lot of time at home, being forced to clean up my room that had gone for months without a good cleaning. Things were good while my parents were married and living together because I spent a lot of time with my mom who took me to the beach a lot or signed me up for Summer Fun with my friends...learned to play basketball and make Polynesian poi-balls...not like those are skills I can use now. Once my parents divorced and my mom moved to another island I spent my summers at home since Dad had to work and I could not yet drive. I finally got wise and sought employment (even if it was at Dad's office!) and made lots of money to spend when I was able to hang out with my friends. There were better times, though. My dad loved to travel and every other summer he and I would set off for places unknown. I got to see a lot of the country that way, and also met family that lived on the East Coast. We did a lot of amusement parks, my dad and I. Good times. The summers that we weren't traveling, I spent with my mom in Honolulu. That meant my days were spent at the beach. Who could complain about that?!!? Spending your entire summer at Waikiki Beach? Awesome. Once I got older and could drive, I got an incredible job as a "Camp Counselor" at one of the ritzy hotels on the beach. Basically all I did was do arts and crafts with the kids of rich people, some of them celebrities. I made a lot of money, had a lot of fun and got a great tan.

Now that I am a parent of school-aged children I don't look forward to summer vacation like most parents. Summer camp around here is freaking expensive so we are only able to send Taylor for 3 weeks this summer and poor Emma is shit out of luck as she gets to just stay home with me and Zoe. Thankfully we've been having exceptional weather as the girls love to spend time out on the playset. Individually my children are wonderful. Collectively they are a Royal Pain in the Rear. They do nothing but bicker, fight, whine and snitch from morning to night. Even my sweet little chicken-legged Zoe contributes to my soon-to-be nervous breakdown.
I was recently put on a seriously restricted budget. Yeah, Phil took a closer look at the Visa bill and saw Target one too many times. So I am now not allowed "Free Will Shopping." My shopping must have a purpose, I guess. I'm not allowed to wander the aisles aimlessly anymore, looking for those hidden clearance deals that I don't really need but damn! It was 90% off...!!! He should appreciate my bargain shopping. I use coupons for a lot of stuff and actually do quite well. It's not my fault if we needed trash bags on Tuesday. Or diapers on Wednesday. Or dish soap on Friday. And dammit if I didn't forget to pick up cat litter! Guess I'll have to make a trip there tomorrow!

Back to summer vacation....

I'm all for year-round school. I think it actually benefits everyone involved. The students spend less time away from school and what they've learned. Instead of 3 months off for summer they would get one month off. And the other 2 months would be spread out over the rest of the year, making winter and spring breaks one month each. Working parents would benefit because it's damn hard for them to find caregivers for their kids for 3 whole months. And by having a month off for winter break we'd be able to spend more time away from the frigid winter weather and return to school refreshed, tanned and ready to continue learning.
I know, I wouldn't be able to convince anyone with those cheesy arguements.

Kids fighting aside, the biggest pain the in rear has to be trying to potty train Emma. She is going to be 4 at the end of August and really could care less about the fact that she still wears a pull-up. I cannot send her back to school this fall if she isn't trained. I feel like such a loser mom, with an almost 4 year old who still isn't trained!! Shit, Zoe just turned 2 and is already sitting on the potty and has even peed twice!! She will be totally trained before Emma. I think Emma will be the only one still in high school who wears a pull-up. Ugh!!! It's so frustrating because she just does not care. I know that I am going to have to do the cold turkey method and just tell her we ran out of pull-ups so you'll just have to wear panties and if you pee or poop in them too damn bad. I have tried so many things with her...candy bribery, money bribery, threats, you name it. We even tried going naked for a day but she pooped on the carpet and pissed me off. Does anyone have ANY advice? I swear, I am going insane.

Phil bought us bikes and we went for a nice ride last night, maybe 2 miles? Phil gets to pull the trailer behind him, I am not coordinated enough for that. My hope is to lose another 30 pounds by April. I'm planning a big high school reunion in Las Vegas. It'll be my 20 year reunion but I'm organizing it for all alum. The last reunion I attended was in 2002 and I saw some pictures of myself at one of the events and I was really fat. It totally depressed me. My goal is to be another 30 pounds lighter by then and feeling a lot better about myself. I guess I shouldn't be sitting here on my ass blogging, huh? I should outside walking or biking. After I put Emma and Zoe to bed tonight Taylor and I will ride around the neighborhood.

We went to Cedar Point last weekend. It was a lot of fun. A couple friends met us there so Phil went off to ride the coasters with them while I took the girls to all the kiddy rides. Lots of carousel riding. Taylor actually had pneumonia several days before and was still on meds when we went there. Poor thing! And because she's mildly asthmatic she will always be a little more vunerable to respiratory bugs. But she was feeling pretty good while we were there because she went on one of the bigger coasters with Phil. I was a little worried because she had only ever been on the kiddy ones and this was a big step for her. She loved it and wants to go back! I'm so proud!!! Zoe and Emma had a blast riding on the obnoxious planes and cars that made lots of noise. I have a picture of Emma riding with her hands over her ears while Zoe pushes all the buttons. Hopefully we'll get back down there before summer ends.

Ok, that's about all I have to say today. A lot more than usual...!!