I must be smoking crack in my sleep...

The thought that has been in my head for the past couple of days is that I think I'd like to have another baby. There are SO many reasons why this will never happen.

1) I already have 3 kids that take up 98% of my time and 98% of my remaining brain cells.

2) I don't want to go through the nightmarish first year again. All 3 of my kids were pretty "challenging" in that first year. After 6 straight months of non-stop crying with Taylor I'm surprised I agreed to have any more children.

3) Adding another kid to our family would increase my stress level 10 times. I feel guilty enough that I'm not the mom I want to be, that would only get worse with a new baby. I know Phil would love to have a son but chances are with 3 girls the next one would also be a girl.

4) I just turned 40 and I'm having a hard enough time dealing with that lol. Yes I know there are lots of women who are still having babies at this age but I don't feel my body is up to it anymore.

5) Kids are SO damned expensive!!!

Yet even after knowing all these things and being on Phil's case the last 6 months to get a vasectomy, I've found myself thinking about having another baby. It hasn't been a consuming thought, more fleeting and I think it stems from being around so many babies this weekend. Not to mention the fact that I work in a BABY STORE and see tons of adorable babies everyday! I miss the feel and smell of a freshly bathed baby. I miss watching them discover new things. I love listening to them squeal and coo.

My friends would KILL me if I willingly got pregnant again. They all know that I would go insane with another kid. It has to be hormones. My period arrived a couple days ago and along with that the WORST PMS I think I have ever had. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of emotions for me. Most of the day was spent wanting to beat the crap out of pretty much everyone around me. Then I'd be happy, then wanting to cry, then happy, then extremely angry. Not to mention exhausted, my entire body ACHES and other general crappiness. Today is much improved but only marginally. So I'm thinking that it's got to be hormones that's making my brain think these thoughts. Or it could also be that my oldest turned 10 in March, my middle one turned 7 on Saturday and my youngest, my BABY, turned 5 in June and starts Kindergarten next week. It could be that I am sad that they are growing up so fast. It could be that I am sitting next to a framed collage that includes a lot of baby pictures. And I'm having a hard time remembering so many of those precious baby memories. I guess I'm thinking a new baby would keep it all from ending...

So yes...I do believe I have been smoking crack in bed. I also think I'm going to text Phil and tell him I want another baby and see what he says. LOL...