Can't take much more of this

I am going to say it and apologize now for saying but I fucking hate my kids. What the fuck did I do to deserve such ungrateful, selfish, horrible children? These kids have NO respect for their own property or anyone else's. We spend money that we don't exactly have to buy them new shoes for school and then one of them wears them into MUD and now they are ruined. Brand fucking new shoes. I bought them new lunch bento things today. They've had them for maybe 2 hours. One of them - and no one will say who - used a Sharpie and drew all over hers. I am fucking pissed. They are destroying this house and all of the things in it. I'm sick of finding ruined clothes, ruined toys, ruined whatever. FUCKING SICK OF IT. My husband works his ass off to make the crappy salary he has and happily buys them nice things. Then they just turn around and ruin it all.

I don't want to be their mother anymore. I can't take any more of their fighting and whining and selfishness and laziness. I have never seen such lazy selfish children in my life. I'm over it. I just want to walk away now. I honestly cannot take any more of them. I seriously want to kick the crap out of something. I have so much anger inside of me right now. My heart is going to give out, I just know it.

What do I do? I'm fucking them up. When I lose it like I just did and scream at them that I just want to leave and that they are lazy and selfish, I know it's messing them up. Deep down inside I do not hate them. I hate myself. But they make me so damn angry with their selfishness and laziness. I have done everything to teach them the opposite. What did I do wrong? They are going to grow up to be angry adults, grow up to hate me. I can't go back in time to make this all right. I don't even think I can make it better now. Taylor has no confidence and is so sensitive. Emma has her own set of problems. Zoe used to be such a sweet girl but is now lying about things, hitting her sister, breaking and destroying things.

I know we should see a family therapist but then they'll think there's something wrong with them. They associate a therapist with Emma and her problems. I've asked Taylor if she would like to see someone but she said no.

All I know is that I need to get help soon or I'm going to snap and go crazy.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

I guess that's something I've asked myself a lot over the last few years because I do consider Phil and myself to be good people. I mean we're not murderers or tax evaders, we give to charity when we can, teach our children right from wrong, help out whenever someone needs something, etc... I just never understood how shit happens to good people who don't set out to screw other people. Like the guy who built our house. He is not a good person and is definitely screwing us.

I just found out yesterday that one of the few moms at St. Francis who has been nice to me the last couple of years has breast cancer. She has a son that's Emma's age and a daughter Taylor's age. She's only maybe 5 years older than I am. She's always been friendly to me and is a genuinely good person. I then found out that the father of another of Taylor's classmates has lung & brain cancer. Seriously???

But then it makes me see my stress in a new light. It puts it into perspective and makes me realize that yes we're in a financial shithole but I'm still (relatively) healthy. I don't know what I would do if I got sick, or if Phil did. I just don't think I'm strong enough, emotionally or physically, to pull through a major illness. That said, if I did get sick I would definitely find it in me to fight and not give up.

I hate getting older and all the creaking and blurry vision and stiff joints. Not a good time. I don't deal well with death. I don't deal well thinking about my own mortality. It puts me into anxiety mode and keeps me awake for hours at night. We each believe our own beliefs about life and death and mine are personal so I won't be sharing them with you but I like to believe that there is something more after death, something on a different level. Maybe spiritual, maybe not. I never grew up with religion as a child. It was more science. My dad would get pissed at me if I said "Oh my God" in reaction to something. I grew up studying the universe, the planets, the stars, astronomy. If I had been any good at math, I probably would have gone into that field, I loved it that much. It's like the movie "Contact." I want to believe that there is more out there. It's almost like I *need* to believe that, in order for the anxiety to subside. Getting old SUCKS.

Yesterday was Emma's 8th birthday. Which then gets me reminiscing about when each of my 3 kids was born. Which then reminds me that my oldest is 11 and going into middle school. Which then makes me feel really old. Dammit!

We had a small group of friends celebrate with her, had it at the pool. It was SO much easier than Zoe's bowling party. I was much more relaxed yesterday. The kids played in the pool while I chatted with friends. We ate, had cake, opened presents, swam some more then went home. So nice!!

And now we are in our final days before school starts. This week will be a mad dash for me to finish school supply shopping and uniform shopping and making sure everyone has a lunch box and water bottle and backpack and socks and this and that and everything else. O.M.G.... Crazy time!!! I'm not looking forward to the 5am wake up call every morning but I am looking forward to the 7 hours of NO KIDS !!!!!!!!

Hopefully once everyone is settled into a good routine I can actually shift some of the focus to myself. Knowing that a friend who is close to my age has breast cancer, I need to get my booty into the doctor for my check-up. I also need to find myself a therapist. I need to find a way to get control over my anger and anxiety. Once I've started that maybe I'll be able to tackle the other massive hurdle...the weight gain.

It pains me to see my husband look at other women even though I know it's a guy thing, they all do it, blah blah blah... It just brings home the fact that he doesn't look at me that way. Or if he ever does, I'm either not seeing it or not home lol. I want so badly to lose this weight, for myself, for my health, for my kids. I just can't seem to get that fire lit under my ass enough for me to be motivated and WANT to make that change. Does that make sense? I do want to lose the weight but something in my crazy head is holding me back. It hasn't clicked with me yet. It's almost like I would need the doctor to tell me if I don't lose the weight I'm going to keel over. But at the same time, would THAT be enough to get me going? So I think talking it over with a therapist, someone who has no clue what a basket case I really am, will help me figure out what's stopping me.

Ok, I just heard one of the kids upstairs gasp in surprise/shock and I know that's never a good sound LOL so I think I should head up to see what's going on.

So heartbroken

I've been on my little vacation in Texas for a few days now and I'm gearing up to go home tomorrow afternoon. This evening Taylor called me, sobbing, and told me she had something terrible to tell me and I immediately thought one of the dogs had gotten hurt or died but she told me that our beloved Bearded Dragon, Oscar, had died and she didn't know how or why and that she was going to miss him so much, she didn't want another lizard because he was the best lizard in the whole world and that she loved him so much. It hurt me so much to hear how devastated she was that I burst out crying too. I'm crying right now as I write this because I loved him too. Funny how attached we became to a lizard but he was awesome and handsome and sweet. And now there is a hole in our family. Totally sucks that this happened while I was away but thankfully Dad was there, because he's good with this kind of thing. I know, though, that as soon as they all see me at the airport tomorrow they're all going to start crying. They'll all probably need to cuddle with me at home too and cry some more. If we get this heartbroken over a lizard, I hate to think of how we will be if anything happens to one of the dogs. Ugh. Phil said they will bury him in the yard by the big pine tree. Wish I could be there with them.

It's been good for me to be away from them. It's been nice not dealing with whining and fighting and yelling at them to clean their rooms. But I've missed them terribly. We've been video chatting, so I think that has been helpful for them to at least see me and talk to me. This is the longest I've been away from them and the longest Phil has had to take care of them. And I think he's done a great job. He's not a good Mom but he's an awesome Dad and I'll be forever grateful to him for letting me come down here.

It's not like I did any soul searching while I've been away but it's done my heart some good. I knew I would miss them but not the minute they drove away from me at the airport. I've talked about them incessantly too. I've bought things for them (well, not Emma because I totally forgot but I'll grab a stuffed animal at the airport!) and texted them everyday. I'm so fortunate to have such spirited and wonderful children, as difficult as they can be sometimes.

I don't have anything witty or funny to say today. My heart is heavy with the loss of Oscar.

(Although I am thinking of stealing the huge framed picture of a goat that is hanging on the wall in my room at Sarah's house.)

Teaching kids the value of things

I hate to say this but my kids are big time wasters. I'm constantly on their cases to turn off lights, don't stand there with the fridge door open, turn off the water, don't take more than you'll eat, etc. My two younger ones are also big time destroyers. And not just little things like crayons, toys or books but big things like OUR HOUSE. I shit you not. These two little heathens are drawing on the walls in their bedrooms, cutting up curtains and duvets, getting glitter glue on furniture and the carpet and marking up whatever they can find with a Sharpie. I could "justify" it if they were 2 years old but they're 6 and soon to be 8 years old!! WTF??? None of my three kids can keep their rooms clean. It's going to be an issue for as long as they're living with us. They are lazy and sloppy and I hate to admit it but they get a lot of it from me as I hate to clean. But I am always always always on them to clean their rooms. The problem is they have too much crap and I know I need to get rid of most of it. I hate to part with material things. I can't explain it but it pains me to throw stuff out. Anyway, they were given close to 3 hours to make magic in their rooms before I went up to check on them. There was even a reward (charm for their bracelets) but at the end of 3 hours only Taylor had transformed her room from a sty to relatively decent. As I opened the door to Zoe's room I saw something pink, glittery and gooey on a little table by the door. I saw that this pink goo had dripped onto the carpet below. I lost it. I made her get out of bed, go downstairs and grab some baby wipes and clean it all up. (yes, I still have baby wipes even though I technically don't have any babies in the house) As she was cleaning it up Emma came to watch and I went off about them not having a clue about how lucky they are. I told them there are lots and lots of children who do not have a home, don't have a bed, don't have enough to eat. I said there are children who have to sleep in a shack, on a floor, in their car while we have warm beds to sleep in. I told them they are so incredibly lucky to have their house, their own bedrooms, food to eat everyday. I hurts me to see that they are so selfish and unthinking, almost uncaring. They have had no clue about how much we've struggled the last 2 years. How just 2 months ago I was going through the entire house scrounging up change and soda cans to take to the grocery store to get food for them. Yeah you read that right. And yes, I drive a Mercedes. I will not go into detail about those personal issues but those of you who know me know about my house, my car, etc... Think what you want, judge me, whatever. You don't know the full story, the facts, the truths and you will only choose to believe what you see and think you know to be the truth. But the last two years have been a living hell for us. I've done well to hide a lot of our struggles, put on a brave happy face most days. The stress has taken its toll on me, physically, mentally and emotionally. My oldest has seen me crying over this many many times, not something I've wanted her to see. The two younger ones have had no clue. They've continued to destroy their home, waste their food and cause me more stress.

I don't know how to get them to understand what it is they're doing. They seem to think that everything is theirs to destroy. They have no qualms about taking a pair of scissors to a blanket. Or to the cord of an expensive pair of Sony headphones. Or their own clothes. Everything is a toy to them. They don't appreciate the things they do have.

ok I stepped away from writing for a few minutes and my train of thought has completely left the station and I can't get back to where I was and I've lost all steam so I think I'll end here and come back when I feel the need to vent and rant again lol

Friday can't get here fast enough

I'm headed to Texas on Friday y'all. Going down to spend a whirlwind weekend with friends and family. Phil's sister is going to pick me up the Houston airport then we're going straight to The Galleria, a hoity-toity type mall that makes our Somerset look like crappy Briarwood. Phil commented the other day that I don't have very many summery clothes and that's because I can't fit into any of my cute clothes anymore. Good times. Not really. It just adds to the depression. It's a vicious cycle. I'm depressed that I'm fat and being fat makes me depressed.

Anyway, Friday and Saturday night we're staying at the swank Houstonian. Ooh la la!! Then Saturday she said we're spending the entire day in the SPA!!!!! I can't wait. I think I might want a facial and a pedicure. I could use a massage but the oils they use make my skin freak out. I dunno, we'll see what they can do.

Sunday she's driving me halfway to Denton. My good friend Sarah will meet us there and then I'll go to Denton with her. Our plan is just as awesome...Thai food, drinks, shopping. I miss her so much. I was really lost for a while when she moved away. It's hard for me to find really good friends. But I'm okay now. We've been able to see each other several times since she's moved. Her oldest daughter and my Emma were born on the same day, same year.

Tuesday morning I am driving out to Plano to visit a friend I haven't seen in at least 15 years, we went to high school together and I've always liked her. I love Facebook for the sole reason that I have reconnected with so many of my friends from high school and college. I've even become better friends with someone I wasn't really friends with, if that makes sense. She was a few years ahead of me in high school, she was this mysterious cool upperclassman that everyone loved. She was nice to everyone, happy all the time. She hung out with a crowd that partied a lot, smoked pot. I don't know who friended who but she and I have become pretty good friends, she has given me wonderful advice about raising my daughters, support and prayers when I've needed them. Funny how life works out huh?

Anyway, I'm flying home Tuesday afternoon, provided I can get on the flight. This is my first attempt at non-revving by myself. I originally was going to fly into Houston and then drive myself to Denton but Phil was really worried that I would get lost and no one would hear from me again...that Dallas interchange is a nightmare. SO then I was going to fly from Houston to Dallas and rent a car there and drive up. Phil's sister said she'd drive me up instead lol. I'll rent a car up in Denton and make my way to the airport on my own.

Oh and yes, I'm going ALONE. That's right. No husband, no children. I am desperate to get away from the kids. Once school starts it won't be *as* bad but this summer has been horrific with them. I can't take any more of the fighting, crying, whining, not listening, the huge messes they make and don't clean up, etc...it goes on and on. All three of them are on my very last nerve.

I was talking to a friend the other day about women who have killed all their children and we both agreed while we would never ever ever do anything remotely close to that, we fully understand how those women could have done it. Those women suffered from depression that was never diagnosed or treated and they spiraled into the darkest depths where I think they completely disconnected from reality and honestly had no clue what they were doing because at that point they stopped being who they really were and darkness took over.

These children push my buttons every single day. I yell at them. This morning they made me so angry that I yelled at them and made them cry. Yes I felt bad about it afterwards but dammit, I just cannot take anymore. Thank God there's only 3 more weeks until school. Yes it means waking up at 5 every morning again but at least they will not be with me from 745am to 3pm. I'll have to deal with them for 5 hours after school but it won't be near as bad as now.

Wow I'm a rambler. And I don't flow well when I'm writing. Totally choppy. But that's how my thoughts are these days.

And on that note I think I'll head up to bed. I think tomorrow (if I remember!) I will try to figure out how to add pictures in my posts and I'll add some from our quick trip to Ludington.

Good night :-)

Testing out the whole mobile blogging deal.

Almost forgot!!!

Last night Phil and I went to see Night Ranger, Foreigner and Journey in concert!!! Well, we missed Night Ranger because we were late getting in but I did get to hear them sing "Sister Christian" and was happy about that. I told Phil that I had no clue what songs Foreigner sang and when they were done with their hour long set, I turned to him and said "I feel really stupid because I knew every song they sang!" and it was an awesome performance. Journey was pretty good considering it wasn't Steve Perry.

Sadly I only have crappy iPhone photos that I took, so I won't be posting those lol