One week and counting until vacation!!!

I cannot wait. Even though we are just staying in Michigan and it will only be a few days, I am so excited to be leaving the house and going SOMEWHERE ELSE. We are headed West, to a town on Lake Michigan called Ludington. In the 9 years that we've lived here (crap! has it been that long???) I have never seen any of the Great Lakes, not even when flying over them. Everyone here tells me that I'll never know it's not the ocean. But I think they're just saying that to make me feel better about not being in Hawaii. Suck ups.

We bought one of those hard sided roof cargo carriers, the kind that looks like it's from Star Trek and probably how Spock was laid to rest somewhere deep in the universe. I suggested putting the kids in it for the drive up and I think Phil considered it for a split second.

We're going to stay at a Holiday Inn Express, which excites me to no end because now I can legitimately say "No, I'm not a brain surgeon but I DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night." Suh-weet!! We're driving up Saturday morning and coming home Tuesday afternoon. Short but I'm sure we'll have a blast. We plan on hanging out at the "beach" for a good part of the weekend. The kids have their buckets and shovels ready to go for sand castle making.

It will do us good as a family to be together exploring new places.

Life gets in the way of life

Does that make sense? I posted on FB last night that I don't know why life has to be so complicated. I don't make it anything other than what it is and yet it's so messed up. I don't go about my days trying to make my life complicated, as someone suggested. Seriously? Basically this person's response was that your life is only as complicated as you make it. Listen buddy, I am NOT making my life this way. It's just how it's playing out. Two plus years of incredible stress, seeing the light at the end of the dark tunnel and thinking everything's actually going to be okay then having setbacks and barely being able to see the light is not something we set out to accomplish in our life's journey. I never sat down with my husband and said, "I've got a brilliant idea. Let's fuck everything up so badly that we suffer for two or three years. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Yeah, that's what we did.

I don't like to go into much detail about my personal life and struggles. Most people who "know" me only see what they want to see so they make judgements based on things they see. Yes I live in a large house, yes I drive a nice car, yes my husband has a sports car, yes yes yes. But those are things that you only see, you don't know the background, the facts, the truth.

(I will, however, share with you my emotional struggle dealing with my kids and depression. I'm not ashamed, there is no stigma attached to that for me. It's not something I've made up, not something that's just in my head.)

Anyway... Yes I have problems. But before you judge me and say that my life is complicated because I am making it so, I think you should take at look at yourself first. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We've been working so hard to correct the mistakes we've made at the risk of losing things along the way. Other people would just walk away from the issues. We are honest, hard-working, loyal people and are facing our problems head-on. I would so love to say that my life is nothing but sunshine, rainbows and unicorns. That I'm so happy all the time roses are coming out of my ass. (that wouldn't be very comfortable though) I'd love to have a much more upbeat and positive outlook and be able to share that everyone. But I've been stressed and struggling for over two years now that I'm just about ready to give up.

And now I have to go do some laundry.

A most productive day!

No, I did not stay home and clean and do dishes and laundry. Hush yo mouf!

Had a very quick morning at the store, which is both good and bad. Bad in that I love it there, love being around other adults and friends and such. Good in that there wasn't much time for my kids to destroy the place.

After work we hightailed it up to Costco. Along the way there some jackass in a big old Suburban driving like a jackass in a big old Suburban started playing games with me. Dude, do NOT play games with me on the road because I will kick your ass. I don't care that you're a big black guy. I do not take kindly to your trying to squeeze into my lane when you know DAMN well there's no room for you. I don't even care that you're kind enough to signal. But DON'T try to weasel your way into my lane and try to run me off the shoulder when I am doing close to 80 mph. Uh-uh, ain't gonna happen. The guy was pissed at me, probably because he did not expect for a woman to NOT get out of his way. He tried over and over to either cut me off or get ahead of me and I did not let it happen. He's the one that made the poor choice to be in the lane he was in when he was in it. Just because he's driving a huge vehicle doesn't give him the right to cut in whenever he wants. Bastard. He probably took my license plate humber and called the cops on me lol. Or he'll find out where I live and burn my house down. Which wouldn't be a bad thing, really.

So we made it to Costco, got the price adjustment we went there for, got some hot dogs with the money they gave us and then headed over to DSW where I had a pair of shoes on hold. I was really hoping to find yet ANOTHER pair of black leather cork wedges but they're all going bye-bye to make room for Fall boots. So I ended up with a pair of black Naturalizers which I just love. Taylor was excited as I bought her a pair of sparkly black faux Converse. Then we went next door to Old Navy so I could find some t-shirts for myself. I do not wear t-shirts unless they are 3/4 length sleeves. The only time I wear a "normal" t-shirt is if I'm sleeping in it or slumming it at home. I have this funky thing happening on my upper arms that my dermatologist says will never go away so I hate baring my arms. I was very disappointed in their selection of anything I would consider so I ended up buying stuff for the kids. Sigh.

On the way home we stopped at a little roadside farmer's stand that Molly had told me about. The kids wanted to see the huge cow and the goats. There were some nice plants that I wanted to buy but the lady working there said the ones I wanted were mostly at the end of their season and wouldn't transfer well to being indoors. So we left.

We spent part of the afternoon with some friends from work down at the 4H farm fair looking at all the beautiful farm animals. I'm so happy that my kids can appreciate stuff like this. After I took them to the pool and let them play for a couple hours.

Before they went to bed I read a chapter from Little House on the Prairie. We're really enjoying it. I don't think Emma & Zoe are quite there yet but they seem to like listening to me read. I told Taylor when we finish the book we'll borrow the others from the library and I'll continue reading to her.

I am SO ready for Fall weather

Yes, I said it. I am wanting some cool, crisp weather. I want to wear jeans and boots and pretty coats. It's only July 19th and I am over the heat. I've never been a fan of hot weather. Living in Hawaii it got up into the 80's but rarely was it super humid like it's been here. I have been melting in this heat. It's been in the low 90's the last few days with humidity hovering around 75%. Oy. It's going to hit 100 on Thursday. I might not make it, especially if I have to set foot outside. I told the kids we *might* go to the pool today and I put extra emphasis on the *might,* hence the asterisks. They are bound to piss me off in the next hour and in my anger I will say "That's it, we're not going to the pool, you've blown it for everyone." Besides, I just colored my hair last night and if I go in, the pool water might turn it purple or something weird like that. I guess I just won't get my hair wet. I'll have to invest in one of those crazy bright yellow swim caps that has flowers all over it and then I'll really look like an old lady in my swimsuit with a skirt. Might as well wear the old style swim bloomers huh?

Today is my husband's birthday. I like that our birthdays are only 10 days apart (mine is the 9th). He is off flying around and will be home tomorrow afternoon. So I am going to bake him a German Chocolate cake and make Chicken Marsala with wild rice for dinner. His favorites. Many months ago I found on Groupon a private wine tasting & tour for 4 people at Chateau Aeronatique near Jackson and thought he would like that so I bought it and now just need to set up a weekend afternoon to go.

Crap I just realized it's almost 4 and I haven't been to the bank yet so I have to get moving!

Where do we go when we have lost ourselves?

I asked myself this question last night as I was getting ready for bed. Every night for the last 5 years or so I have looked at myself in the mirror and asked myself what happened to the Cathleen I used to know and love? The person looking back at me is more of a stranger, a shell of who I used to be. Where did Cathleen go? She was young, energetic, pretty, happy and carefree. The person looking at me in the mirror is 41, concerned with the rapidly increasing amount of gray hairs on her head, concerned about the chest pains she's had practically everyday for the last year or so. She is stressed out all the time, yells at her kids all the time, is angry at the world. She's going to drop dead in 5 years if something doesn't change for the better. She is nothing of the person she used to be.

I have lost my way in life. I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Yes, I'm a mother and a wife and a friend. That goes without saying. But I used to be so much more than those things. I used to be adventurous and spontaneous. I used to be confident and proud of who I was. I could walk into room and not worry what people thought of me.

My children are driving me nuts, contributing to the massive amounts of stress in my life. I have 3 very vivacious girls. Lots of drama in our house. Lots of fighting, whining and bossiness in our house. It's constant, never-ending. I am tired of it. Tired of being a referee, tired of listening to it on a daily basis. It wears me down, makes me angry, makes me yell. Some nights I lay in bed, afraid to fall asleep because what if I have a heart attack in my sleep and die? Surely the stress my heart has been under is too much.

Please don't get me wrong. I love love love my children. Most days I just don't like them. I don't like how they treat each other, how they don't listen, how they fight, how they are so destructive. What did I do when I was younger that I am being punished for now? I am not the mom that I always thought I would be. Most of my girlfriends are the way I had hoped to be. I envisioned lots of arts and crafts, lots of baking cookies, lots of snuggle time in beds and long talks about girly things. I never expected to find being a mom so overwhelming, so stressful, so not a lot of fun all the time. I am envious of some of my friends who have wonderful, nurturing relationships with their kids. Sometimes I think mine wish I wasn't their mom.

Looks like it's time for Mom to get herself to a therapist huh? I was kind of hoping to avoid that but I can't seem to get out of the funk I've been in for the last 10 years. It keeps getting worse. Who wants a mom who is angry all the time?

My goal over the course of the next year is to find the person I used to be. Yes I'm older now, less energetic, more gray, more baggage. But if I can at least find the parts of her that I know are still in me somewhere, it will be a start. Not necessarily become more adventurous and spontaneous but to be happy with who I am, become confident again. It would be fabulous to have that strength in me to pass on to my girls so that they grow up to become strong, confident, happy women and good mothers. The kind of mom they should have had all these years.

It's not too late for me, I know. But it's going to be a long trip to find me and a long trip back. I will continue to post along the journey.

Things Our Mothers Taught Us

I saw this recently and thought it was funny and now that I am a mother, I have found myself saying some of these things to my own children. My mom would never have said any of these things as she was from Thailand and didn't know a lot of English and funny sayings. The closest she got was if I came to her saying that So-and-So was doing it, why couldn't I? And then she'd say to me, "Well if So-and-So jumps off a bridge, are you going to jump too?" or "If So-and-So jumps into the fire, are you going to jump in too?" and of course my answer was always YES! and then she'd chase me around the house with a wooden rice paddle trying to smack me for mouthing off.

Enjoy these!
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1) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2) My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that comes out of the carpet."

3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4) My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5) My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

7) My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about!"

8) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut up and eat your supper!"

9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10) My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11) My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

12) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait till we get home."

13) My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

14) My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to stick that way."

15) My mother taught me about ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you're cold?"

16) My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes don't come running to me."

17) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up."

18) My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father!"

19) My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

20) My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

21) My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"

How could I have forgotten?

I swear this getting old shit just sucks. I keep forgetting that I have started this so-called blog, keep forgetting that I actually have a place to come and vent my frustrations at life. Funny that my last post was nearly a year ago. And before that I think it was 2007. When I was in high school I filled countless black and white composition notebooks full of teenage angst. It was supposed to be something we did only for English class but I loved how writing in it made me feel because I knew that I was the only one who would read it. Yeah, until we were told to turn them in to be graded. Oh the horror of knowing my beloved English teacher would be reading about how I hated school, hated living with my dad, loved my boyfriend, etc. Turns out she actually loved my writing, loved the humor that I infused into everyday things, loved that I poured my heart and soul into each page that I wrote. By the end of my senior year I think I had maybe 15-20 of those journals. Every page filled, cover to cover. And in a box somewhere, I still have them. I think it would be hilarious and embarrassing to go through those journals now, to see what was so important to me when I was 16, 17 and 18. To read about my hopes and dreams, what I was scared of, what I looked forward to, what I hoped my life would bring me once I left home. Well I can tell you what life gave me once I did leave home. But we'll save that for another entry ;-) When I got to college my focus changed but I did continue to write in larger journals. I have those in a box as well. I can remember sitting for hours in the Quad, filling page after page about the guy who had jilted me that month. Talking to no one in particular about the most amazing book I had just read, Gone With The Wind. How I loved Scarlett O'Hara, wanted to be like her. Of course I have reread that book as an adult and no longer wish to be that spoiled brat lol.

I wrote in journals for some time. I do remember a time in my life, I think I was gearing up to get married, that I wasn't writing at all. I remember picking up a new journal, hoping to fill it with all the wonderful things that had happened and were going to happen. I didn't get far until the words wouldn't come to me anymore. Somehow I had lost the love to write. How sad that memory is now. All those years since that memory, I think it must be about 14 years now... with nothing to say about the journey I have been on. I wish now that I had continued to write because how wonderful it would be to read to my oldest what was happening to me while she was in my belly, what her birth was to me, what joy and happiness and terror she brought to our lives.

Maybe I hope now that by writing there will be something for her to read when another 11 years have gone by. Hopefully I'll be here to read it to her. That is, if I can remember that I actually do have a blog!!